Hope Horsemanship

Tag: mustangs

  • The Way Down

    The Way Down

    The story of Wyoming and me seeking a better place hasn’t been easy for me to update very often because there isn’t much of a clear line path to tell. Some days I have sight lines toward an island in the sea… and some days I think we (or probably just I) will drown out here with not a ship or speck of land in sight… and then… what are we doing out here in the middle of the ocean?

    I am getting pretty good at avoiding the deep end of the pool. I am also fairly decent at navigating the deep end of the pool with a horse I have some connection with if we get there by some twist of the current. However with Wyoming, I look around more times than not and see the wild ocean swells and wonder if we’ve come out here to die together or to rise up out of the stormy seas like crisis friends knit together forever.

    Maybe that sounds dramatic. It seems pretty matter of fact in the barn at least a part of most days. More real I’m pretty sure, than it would be for someone with the experience that brings expert timing and feel, accurate instant reading of what’s about to happen which leads to meeting the action perfectly instead of just behind it (or missing things altogether). But everyone has to learn somewhere and in learning- we must necessarily do what we do not know, or it isn’t learning, it’s practicing. 

    Ideally for some, the lessons can be planned more graduated into bite sized steps. That hasn’t usually been my way, and so why would this be any different?

    I was listening this morning to an interview with Molly Sanders and Russell Higgins on A Learners Journey. I highly recommend the pod, and Molly has a great inquisitive nature seeking out interesting guests to discuss the facets and layers of horses.

    In this interview (link to interview here: Youtube interview Molly Sanders & Russel Higgins) Russell shares a metaphor where a person is climbing a mountain and is only 2/3 of the way up and looks around to see the route has ended and there is no way to continue forward. There is a feeling of disappointment and decision there, and looking down the mountain there are many more people who stopped around 1/3 way up and decided that was quite far enough. They’ve set up camp and have no interest in continuing higher up. Well one reasons… I’ve gotten farther than those people at least. But the one on a quest is determined to get higher up the mountain with the hope of seeing the vista from the top, and cannot be bothered with comparison and the uselessness of that story. So she has sorted out that the only thing to do next, is to go back down to the bottom and take a different path. That means going past the people below to begin again. How humbling it feels to have risen to a certain height only to find once there it’s limited and doesn’t take you where you had hoped. Starting from the bottom again can feel demoralizing, and yet with the experience of the mountain you’ve gained, the next path you choose with more knowledge and hopefully it will bring you closer to where you hope to go.

    This resonated with me as it is a great illustration of my life with Wyoming. I’ve often climbed up to some figurative low-level trails that have dead ended with her. There were no good camping spots there however, and I often slid back down even if I tried to hold my footing. This particular round of seeking a better place and full of hope, has taken us so far back down the mountain I might have even tunneled underground with the dwarves for a bit in order to find a better starting place for us on the next attempt.

    In the three weeks of working every day, I have taken a horse that I was managing around pretty acceptably for the most part, and uncovered an animal that had been harboring deep concerns and layers of self-protection that certainly has me questioning at times if I am actually creating a monster or helping to dissolve one.

    I have had to get creative and am almost exclusively working with her without a halter and in various states of freedom. I’ve spent days working from her stall, the open design being very helpful. I’ve locked her out of the stall so she’s been in the slightly larger open space of the front of the barn (with the barn door wide leaving her lots of options to leave which she never does). I have played with the flag which, in the “positive” column, has gone from an item she was intent on murder every time she saw it, to something that helps her find peace when I rub her with it. In fact she really loves it when I scratch her belly or butt with it from time to time and melts into a puddle of horse-putty (only to harden again when I change the activity at all). 

    This is an ocean of new wild territory for me most days and I don’t exactly know what I’ll do when I show up at the barn. It has been suggested to me that my logical “straight line” (ahem, predatory?) thinking, will not serve me so well here. If I want to see progress I’m going to have to work on things from different directions. Humans do have the eyes that focus forward, straight line toward the prey or the goal! Horses have eyes that do the periphery well, and you can see them grazing gradually in arcs toward things they are unsure of, though they can set their mind toward a thing and walk straight to it when they are relaxed and comfortable about it (or as I’ve had happen last week when they are calculating the probability of actually taking it out with a direct attack…) 

    This reiazliation that I have to learn quickly to come at things less directly came from the logical human clarity that I cannot get her to accept the halter willingly and without worry, so if I’m going to do anything with her I should at least get that settled… only with Wyoming that has not been an easy first step. I spent practically a week straight line sorting out HOW TO DO THAT.  This resulted in my smaller goal (get the halter on comfortably) disproportionally larger than the true big picture (to get the horse “feeling better”), so hammering toward the halter question was within a day, counter productive to my actual aim.

    I was getting in my own way. Again.

    The balance of this is important. Not having any goal is a road I have traversed and I don’t recommend it. It only circles around the low paths meandering through brush never going anywhere of any use and often retracing spider webbing tracks with no useful destination and not helping the horse or the human much. However, the flip side is deciding I’m heading to the peak and trying to make a straight line there over boulders, through thickets of thorns, and cliff faces without the intelligence of seeking out the more winding navigable trails that the animals before me have worn lightly in. This way always leaves me banged up and you can never actually beat the mountain this way. I’m learning to accept that sometimes a detour can appear to be a mistake and in the end take you round the back way, faster and with less danger than being stiff necked enough to insist on climbing the sheer rock face. 

    I didn’t have to make the choice to head back down the mountain this year to try again. We had slid down the rocky ground we had gained which wasn’t ever that far, right past curious onlookers, and we had been stuck down at the base for a time already. This path I’ve heard from others is a promising one for the kind of needs this horse has. Yet it’s not been a clear cut thorn free journey. I’m packing a trail saw and leather gloves, and it’s been somewhat slow going hacking through some rough layers.

    At the moment it looks considerably worse than it did two months ago while we languishing in base camp trying not to disrupt the surface much. Today I hold the opinion that this mess was always there, it was buried by our truce. The truce where I learned over time how to enjoy this mare without asking anything that could bring up her ill feelings and concerns, or threaten her self-protective mechanism that I hadn’t actually seen were so thickly built by now. They were always down there, and as a core they don’t leave her in a very good place for a life to exist. That’s what I think. By the time this is over I might have to adjust these thoughts, but I only have the experiences I have for the moment to work with.

    Though her threats at violence are coming out more regularly and I have in wisdom sought out ways to work with her that keep me with some boundary (a fence, a gate, a flag, etc) that she can express that deep ill feeling she carries and it can come out so volcanically that it helps for me to have something in between us to block it in case I miss the lava flow. This also allows me to to observe her and try to see what is really happening without only having to focus on the potential I might need get out of the way quickly or block the dragon’s rapid fire. She is in a mode right now feeling more exposed and vulnerable, where she’ll shoot first and ask questions later. 

    These outbursts are still connected to letting go of hard thoughts, but also as I ask her for anything- right now the major request I have is one soft step, it could be forward or backward, with whatever tool I can work with that day. It could be to the side. One step. Some days she seems ready to take me out over one step in a relaxed state. She is deeply convinced that is worth going to war over. This is no way to live.

    I have a fair amount of emotional control, and I am quite wary of her seriousness but not afraid of her either. I don’t punish any of her outbursts no matter how violent, but try to block as equally as I can and as timely as I’m able. I try to make my requests as soft as possible, as clear, and wait as long as it takes for her to think and try something- rewarding the slightest try that is soft and not a try to take me out because that will make the request stop too (if I’m incapacitated!). 

    So it has become a dance for me to learn of blocking with boundaries that are clear and just as big as the enmity she throws at me, and to immediately return to calm soft request, or recognize when she needs to simply have a moment to think, to give her an opportunity to make a better choice and see if she will seek it out (sometimes she does!) or to see she can wait softly and nothing bad is happening. I’m sure I don’t have it all synced up properly and some days I might make it worse. 

    Some days I find a better place! Within the violent snarky outbursts there are moments where Wyoming thinks her way through something and finds a place that has peace. There are moments she relaxes all the muscle tension and her eyes grow soft and I can pet her and she lets go and can breathe maybe for the first time truly freely. I always hope for that before I leave the barn. Some days we get there, some days we just get “not so bad” and that place is so much better than the “really bad” we were at 45 minutes earlier that I’m glad for a place we can truce for the day and try again the next day.

    Here is what I have observed recently.

    Every time I drive up, if she is already relaxing in the barn she stays there. If she is in the field she comes running in. I don’t think this is the the action of a horse who wishes I would never return, not the actions of a horse who hates the work we’re doing. I’m amazed at how she is so engaged to come interact with me- even when it seems only to release that venom she is carrying around. It is tricky for me because part of her interaction right now is sorting out her violent feelings, and so though simply being in the barn has not yet shown her aggressive with no cause toward me, I still am more aware than ever that she is in a season of sorting out deep things and may not always have appropriate time and place filters so it’s my job to stay alert. It’s like once in a while the thing that triggers her she has almost little control over until it’s done. More times than I can count she turns toward me in the work (when I am ready to put up a boundary or behind a gate) with snaked ears and flashing eyes only as she gets closer to me seems to decide she can let go of that on her own and by the time her nose is over the gate her ears flop and her eyes are soft and she just looks at me. It reminds me of a trigger that gets hit and then in the process of attack she realize it’s actually not necessary and melts back to normal. Talk about Jekyll and Hyde.

    Many days I work with her free to leave the barn and go out to pasture, eat grass, and disconnect altogether. She has never done this. When she works in her stall it is because she chose to go in there. Currently I sometimes lock her out of the stall so we don’t get stuck in the stall work. What is fascinating to me is that her brain in the beginning was in the pasture, and her body in the stall. Now that she has the opportunity to join the two by going into the pasture- she does not choose to do that. 

    The flag has come around to being a tool I can use to defuse now yet still create a boundary she is respecting. The rope however is still in the death category, and as over time I would like to be able to work with her in halter with a rope attached, I had to sort out how to approach her with a rope and not get my arm chewed off. The flag I can touch her with at a distance and even if she bites at it I’m still a safe few feet away.

    I took the halter off the rope to start this process and grabbed my 22’ line. I began in the stall tossing the line up in the air to land across her back or neck and then reeling it in. None of this is painful, but she acted as if her life would end and she had to kill the rope. She has been on a lead rope for eight years worked in a halter. I cannot believe I created this fear of ropes in her this week. 

    Is it possible that she had been internalizing these concerns from being driven with (I have never tied her bodily up with a rope but I cannot know that no one did in the “gentling” process before me) the rope and halter are certainly able to force her to do things she wouldn’t prefer- like run in circles around a human or get on a trailer. I’ve spent years driving horses with the end of a lead rope if they didn’t do the task.

    I wondered if her fear of me and the punishment (being driven with a tool for non-compliance) had been enough to create reasonably obedient behavior for the past handful of years. I always knew she wasn’t right, wasn’t relaxed and unconcerned, but I hadn’t thought her deep fears could be this violent. 

    So I went ahead with the rope toss because I saw with the flag that once she came to experience enough times and believe for now the thing was not going to attack her, she became calm with its presence. I have to get there with a rope too. Only this one seems even more ingrained.

    I experimented with a few things because I’m learning. One thing I did was the tossing and bringing back the rope so she could see it would not hurt her and it would leave. She eventually slowed down her attack of the thing and began to get more curious. Curious is good, you can’t be curious and terrified at the same time I’ve read that at least… She began to sniff and follow the rope as I pulled it back along the ground. Then sometimes I’d leave it on her and then send a loop to gently bump the rope up or down her body, when it was on her back or rump she began to take more calm steps and was able to walk out of the rope. If it was on her neck she began to drop her head and let the rope fall to her ears, then she learned how to release it to the ground. She was beginning to become empowered. 

    A next step I tried was coiling up a shorter lead rope and holding it out to her with my hand at the bottom in case she tried to bite the rope- and see if I could touch her with that, it was not looking good so I thought a bit and zip tied the coil to the end of a stick and string stick so I could rub her with the rope from a distance. This also seemed to help make some change of her worries.

    Tom suggested that though my tool work is helping her to see the tools themselves might not punish her, they still need to press into the realm of directing her (without pain) and then back to rubbing or not directing. That will be a really important distinction. 

    This has been a real challenge for me. I often start with the presence of a tool, or just my own presence, and her concern shoots up and self-preservation kicks in, so I begin with the message: hey, you can relax, I’m not going to hurt you and neither is the tool. I can get some softness there, but it’s not really where we need to go because I am going to need to direct her, influence her thoughts, and work together. This has to happen if she is going to continue to live in my herd for both our safety and her well being. I cannot take care of her needs if she is a threatening wild animal and there could come a point when I determine I won’t keep her in that state. (We are far from there now, but that is the long truth of this story).

    As soon as I begin to interrupt a thought (like the last post explains) or heaven forbid ask her to work together with me toward a direction (take a step without threatening to harm me) she changes back to porcupine. Thus I must help her find peace, but also we have to find peace together, not only in her own shell behind her own walls learning that the tools and myself are not only not a threat but we will never ask anything of her. I mean you can’t have a healthy teenager who has a fabulous good attitude when you give them all they want, leave them to do whatever they want, and they carry no responsibility to the family- or to your better judgement of when they might need their hooves trimmed or to have health concerns attended to.

    What the balance of this is, well, I’m learning that I hope. Trial and error style.

    Currently I’ve been working with the rope now that we’ve gained enough ground that she accepts the rope as less threatening, but she’s not so keen on me using it to suggest a request… I try to get her to leave her stall and work her in a larger area with the rope loosely looped once or twice around her shoulders/neck area. To give somewhat a picture my “goal” is not to allow the rope to be tight and claustrophobic but only as potential for light feel and some direction. I can’t really control her with it, and it’s a 22’ line so I have a lot of rope to give her without it getting tight. What I don’t like about this is it’s hard to be entirely clear about a request, so my aim at the moment is she gets a gold star for ANY try to move herself with a rope ask, any try that is not including lunging toward me or threatening violence.

    The other day, a particularly challenging day, one of the only times I have seen her calculating, straight on facing me in a hard stare, just what the cost might be to take me out (this is rare) and I wondered if I had gotten myself into a vortex of ocean current I wouldn’t be able to swim out of… I kept asking for that ONE soft step with the rope only loosely draped around her, not secured with any knot that either one of us could get too caught up in, she came through. 

    I was truly about to bail that day thinking I had gone too far with this direction, pushed her over to the point she was going to kill or be killed and giving up- sending her back into the stall and leaving her alone might be the way we live to try another day. But I am stiff-necked and I knew if I did that- yes, we can keep working and it is not the end, but it would have been a terrible setback teaching her that kind of intense behavior DOES work out for her purposes which would turn that into a tool she would pick up more and more readily, which would mean some more serious concerning work ahead possibly more intense than I wanted to have to go through. So I prayed quickly for wisdom and I stood in there asking as confident and calm as I could be and ready to put in the boundary (but not holding it in place when she wasn’t threatening because then I am the aggressor…) and held my ground with the simple non-threatening as possible request.

    When she did take the step and relax somewhat I was relieved and that was a day that though I won’t say she came complete to a soft peaceful state, it was pretty darn good all considering where we’d been. And I led her over to her stall door, got one back up step when she began to crowd me at the door (and she quietly complied!) I softly let her in… then went home to wash my big girl panties so they’d be ready for the next day.

    After a few other chores, I opened up the gates and let all the girls out to graze. Two walked out and found some grass, but not Wyoming. She walked out then trotted to the water trough (she also has water in her stall bucket), and then as I was out of the barn in the front, getting ready to leave she cantered around and back into the barn alone. I walked back to peek in a window to see her in her stall, alone, standing quietly, the rest of the mares out in the pasture. 

    Has that become a place she’s found peace due to the work we’ve done in there? I don’t know. Not yet. But I observe and I continue to take notes, I hope in time there will be more clarity as things settle in to more distinct patterns.

    Meanwhile I keep in touch with Tom Moates who is a saint to read my detailed descriptions, occasionally see video clips, observe pictures, and offer me encouragement and ideas to consider. The encouragement I particularly appreciate because there are clearly moments I think “I am now, or have by now, ruined this horse.” Tom seems to be able to find the phrase or moment I shared that he sees as the little crumbs of positive progress. 

    Down deep, I do know everything I am seeing comes out of that volcano I knew was there in some form, often smaller eruptions, before. I am not creating them today. I am however determined to expose them hopefully in non-lethal increments if I can be so wise, but not so small they do not have any value at all and only create a kind of low-grade illness. 

    I have heard a saying: What is revealed can then be healed. There is a lot being revealed this season. Certainly I’ve done things that might have inflamed or created experiences she could use to dig more solidly into her position, but this mare, in being left alone while I knew I didn’t know how to help her, has nursed and tended the poisonous garden and it has gotten more firmly entrenched by the very fact it hasn’t been exposed sooner. In other words, I think doing nothing has caused more harm than I realized.

    These couple weeks have been messy, sometimes downright ugly, and also tiny glimpses of peaceful and sweet. I am glad for the time I’ve been given this summer for this work, and the relative privacy for us to feel our way up the mountain on a newer, not so well worn track. There are signs along the way that give me hope we are going the right way, but they are still faint.

    That’s another observation I’ve come to in life: the really clear well worn paths often do find dead ends and many people camp out, unwilling to leave the ground they have gained for a place higher up the mountain. The paths that take one higher are usually less traveled and they look more overgrown and treacherous in the beginning parts, but after a time, once you’ve invested because of what you’ve come to know and not how you feel about it, they begin to open up into wider spacious places, and there are brooks along the way, and some stunning scenery. But they are never for the faint of heart.

    I spliced together a few minutes of examples of some of this work as a little bonus video here for anyone who made it through the blog!

    Note: I want to clarify that I am attempting to walk a pretty fine line for me where I am not “desensitizing” Wyoming to my tools or to me. I don’t want her “bomb proof” or shut down in order to cope with scary things. I think some of this work can look similar if one isn’t being quite conscientious, or if one doesn’t truly understand the difference. I don’t think I always get this right, but one of the main distinctions I’m trying to get clear is that the “answer” to Wyoming finding peace is not to hold still under the pressure, or to “act right” on the surface (like don’t come at me with your teeth) although it would be lovely if she can stand quietly and relaxed and I don’t want her to approach me with violent intention. I want her to be able to move and walk with the rope, the flag, or my hand touching her. In Wyoming’s case one of her “shut down” reactions is to drop her head to the ground; when she does this I know she is feeling so much pressure she is checking out. I don’t want her to check out, so in those cases I need to notice it’s too much and find a way to back up a touch, or sometimes I need to add more pressure so she HAS to come back to me and face the scary thing and come through to see it WILL be ok and she doesn’t have to hide. This takes understanding and wisdom. I at least know what I want to do, even if I don’t always do it perfectly. The bottom line is in the intention. I don’t simply want her physical body reaction to look right, I want her to feel better after facing the thing seeing that it doesn’t have to hold her in terror. There is a difference, and I think most people I’ve talked to struggle to see it at first, or even to believe it exists. When one can see it, the difference becomes important.
  • The Good Citizen

    The Good Citizen

    I sometimes hear horse-folk say the most important thing we can do for a horse is to train it to be a good citizen. They have rational reasons behind this, especially like: “I may not (God forbid) be able to have this horse it’s entire lifespan.” Implying a horse that is not a good citizen is more difficult to re-home (which is true… most horses are tricky to re-home, throw in any complication — physical or behavioral — and this becomes exponentially more challenging). Then there is the embarrassed owner who finds the equine health professional’s life in danger just trying to help… In the end there is great agreement (which is actually rare in horse-folk) that anyone should be able to handle a good citizen with no trouble at all. I usually smile and nod along, because to disagree makes you seem like an idiotic crazy person. I mean how could one disagree on the one thing everyone generally agrees on? Just ruin world peace while you’re at it why don’t you?

    My “not so” good citizen

    It’s not so much that I disagree as I’m fuzzy on the details. I think a more interesting conversation would be had about what the definition of a good equine citizen actually is. It’s easy to nod and assume we agree on a proper way to handle a horse in the first place, but that is far from true. I’m pretty sure I don’t want a horse that “is obedient” to a request from everyone exactly the same way. I’d bet the farm that no one is going get hurt handling Khaleesi no matter what you do with her… however, how you ask, and your ability to read a horse and interact appropriately is going to impact what you get out of her. Shouldn’t it be that way? 

    I have an illustrative story of a farrier years back who tried to help me out by checking on a lost shoe one day when he couldn’t get in touch with me, but was in my area. He was trying to do me a favor by grabbing a halter and going to see if he could tack the shoe back on for me. He left a message I got later, quite frustrated that no matter what he did including bringing a bucket of grain, he couldn’t catch her. Stupid mare. (I think she thought he was a stupid person thinking she would be lured by food!) I am pretty sure if you asked him, even today, he’d say my horses are not good citizens. But K never trusted him, and he used fear and intimidation with horses, telling me more than once that a good horse (his definition of a good citizen) has a healthy fear of humans and that’s the way it should be. He was considered one of the best farriers around, but we had to part ways. And I was glad he couldn’t catch her that day. 

    I thought this blog would expose my disagreement with the good citizen idea, but as I process, I see that it’s more the definition that separates us all. My ex-farrier thought a good citizen has fear of humans. Some call their horse a good citizen and then say things like “you can’t do anything with the horse on the ground but once you get on them it’s all just fine…” What I’ve been coming to see is the most important thing (as I’ve heard Harry Whitney say) to teach a horse, is that they can let go of a thought. 

    Over the two weeks I’ve been working daily with Wyoming to help her feel better, a simple truth has begun to rise in a new clarity. This mare has gotten good at hanging on — with a death grip — to her own thoughts.

    There was a time I observed: you can get along just fine with Wyoming as long as you never require anything of her. If you exist with her on her own terms you can be best buddies. She’s friendly and fun, and the life of the party. However if you require something of her, she switches pretty quickly to what Tom calls “snarky.” 

    A day with some visitors, Wyoming put herself dead center of all the attention… life of the party!

    Regardless if my definition of a good citizen aligns with the general horse community, a horse willing to fight over something like “will you please take a step backward” is absolutely not acceptable. And yet… now what? We have already established in the last two entries that she doesn’t feel very good about her life. That’s what I’m trying to address.

    In over seven years, by no one’s definition, has she been transformed into a good citizen no matter what kind of training I’ve practiced from harsh (becoming more scary than her threats) to compassionate (free choice and positive reinforcement). In all the places I’ve searched, so far I haven’t been able to break through for a real change.

    Now I’m getting better at understanding where the horse’s thought is, and how they are feeling. Currently I am going in deep to see if I can change Wyoming’s experiences to change her thoughts, and then get a change in how she feels.

    Begin at the begining?

    A soft moment during our R+ phase…

    The halter. I have worked on getting her to accept being haltered willingly from many angles over years with her. I can put the halter on, but it doesn’t take a horse whisperer to know she is tolerating, but not relaxed or willing. I love linear rational thought: If I can’t get her to willingly accept the halter, is it a wonder the rest of it is like poison fruit of the tree? I wanted to go back to the source and work from the root.  

    When I walk into Wyoming’s stall she immediately comes to meet me at the gate.  I offer the halter and she will grudgingly allow it to be pulled up over her nose. Gradients of messy depending on the day, but I get it done.

    Something I found interesting is Khaleesi will not come to me in the stall and put her head in the halter, yet I never have a problem walking right up to her and offering the halter and she will dip her nose dutifully. (We are experimenting with this but that’s a different story right now) Wyoming coming to the gate to meet me, which on the surface seems “better” than having to walk over to halter K. However, actually putting on the halter is a totally different experience. Khaleesi is willing to cooperate, Wyoming tolerates and sometimes gives little threatening nips at the rope with her lips. 

    I began to grasp something that I had not thought through before: Wyoming was not connecting with me by walking over to meet me at the exit gate. If one was only reading action it looks pretty cooperative. Where was her mind? With me? Not at all. Her mind already left the stall. This is not good if one misreads the situation to think we’re working cooperatively. What I can get away with because it’s actually Wyoming’s plan isn’t going to give me accurate information about what’s going on with her. And if I don’t have accurate information we are going to eventually run into trouble.

    The truth will set us free.

    So being the truth seeker I am, I decided to try something different. I walked into the stall. She came over to me. Then I walked to the adjacent corner of the stall. This was going off script. She stayed at the exit.  Standing with me in a stall corner, was not on her list of plans so she did not join me. 

    I made a light shuffling with the lead rope to get her attention and encourage her to consider coming over to me. Just think about it? I was asking her to add me to her list, maybe bump me up to a higher position there. She pinned her ears and looked over at me with a warning.

    Nope. Not gonna do it. Don’t ask. 

    Interesting. The ear pinning threatening behavior I thought was reserved for asking her to put out effort. Simply coming two steps over to me in the stall did not seem worth the fight she was threatening. But somehow, to her, it was.

    I paused and considered, if she was already threatening violence, maybe I needed to find a safer spot from which to press this issue. Her stall has an exterior barn wall, a partial wood wall with a four foot exit gate, then two farm gates that separate her from Khaleesi and from the other half of the barn which is storage for hay and equipment.

    pondering climbing out of the stall completely before we begin…

    From this position, I asked again with more insistence: I see your brain is already out in the field. Let go of that for the moment, bring your brain back here to the stall, and find a place of peace with me.

    I walked over to what makes the back “wall” of the stall which is a green farm gate, and climbed up to sit a moment. It seemed like a better place…but as I sat there now looking at her rear end (with her head still pointed out the exit), I realized that when I began to push the comfort zone there seemed a decent chance of getting a chunk taken out of my leg.  And so I climbed over the gate into the safe zone of the barn outside her stall. With the open plan of this particular make-shift stall, I had great access to her with the ability to stay out of reach. 

    Let’s freeze frame a moment.

    Before I get into the action to come, let’s walk through the present snapshot of the story. Wyoming is not at peace with her brain out in the pasture and her body in the stall. In order to find peace she has to reunite her body with her brain. She thinks she would prefer to put her body out in the field where her brain is. I must show her that since it is not always possible to get her body where she sent her brain, she can choose the real option to bring her brain back and engage in the present. She can find peace this way.

    This is not so different from human experiences. Anxiety, which is at an all time high in the world today I’ve heard, happens when a human allows their brain to go places their body cannot. Sometimes into the future to worry about things they cannot control or even deal with because they are not yet real. Sometimes to a place they cannot actually be, to try to control things there. This is always a losing game, and it creates sickness in the mind and the body. We hear more often than ever the importance of becoming present where and when we are. Find something that can return you to the reality of the present, where it turns out, most of the time… you actually ARE ok. 

    Trauma, I think, without going out of my own depth which is not much here, is when you DO come back to the reality of the present location and time and find out indeed… you are NOT ok. Acute trauma usually has an end point, but the effects linger. If we don’t address it (which is painful), we will continue to suffer- which is more painful.

    It’s a pretty good bet this horse has experienced trauma. She was wild for at least two years in Wyoming before being rounded up. She might have lost herd mates in that time to starvation or predators, or injury, or random barbed wire fence lines or suffered some of these herself. Being rounded up and penned is traumatic to a wild animal. In her first training-gentling experience she was traumatized by the halter, bit her handler, reared up, and flipped over. Some horses do not get so traumatized by being haltered the first time. I wish I could say her life has been carefree and perfect since she found her way to me, but that’s not true either.

    I thought I was getting a green-broke mustang who was doing well under saddle and needed some consistency and mileage. Perfect for me! Instead, looking back, I brought home a traumatized animal whose personality was more fear based than most and I did not have the tools then to even recognize what was happening forget what to do about it. I delved into natural horsemanship type work and began driving the creature to her fight/flight mode in order to work with her and certainly added to her experience of trauma in the hope of helping her. The same work that created a pretty good citizen in Khaleesi by most definitions, did not create the same thing in Wyoming. 

    And so, armed with new understanding and some rough tools, we are back in the moment with the horse gazing out of her stall, with her mind out there and her body in here. She is not at peace. My presence was upping the ante on this and it didn’t sit well with her at all.

    I’ve moved away from driving pressure, so my plan was to create a kind of “indirect pressure” in her environment that would not scare her to have to fight or flee, but to be big enough eventually that she couldn’t block me out or ignore me anymore. I wanted her to choose to put me on the list, because I knew her being present would bring her peace. Peace is what she wants more than anything, but she’s stuck in her patterns and doesn’t know how to get there alone. Now I had to be ready to not add to her fear/flight/fight system, but make it so her other choices to stay stuck didn’t work out so well anymore. Then, when she did come check in with me, I had to be ready to offer a place that felt better than she felt in vigilante mode. I had to find a way to offer her rest, security, and peace in my presence. It had to be real.

    I made a noise with the rope. She turned her head and death glared at me, snake ears and flashing eyes. Then turned back to her field.

    I made a larger noise. Same reaction but faster and more intent.

    I swung the rope to hit the wood barn wall next to me with a bang. She swung herself around, dipping her head low and raising it like a dragon, ears flat against her neck and came at me over the top of the gate with her teeth bared threatening me that this demand for her attention was worth fighting to the death over.

    Well, I wanted the truth.

    This is what’s been in there the whole time. I was now poking at it from a safe place in the hope what I stirred up and revealed, maybe… maybe we could release it and make a deeper change for the better.

    Here I saw it more clearly: It is not that Wyoming is offended by any request to do a thing. This horse has a fear-based natural bent already, and has gotten a self-preservation life and death grip on the thoughts she manages about her environment and her herd. If you want her to let go of those, she is convinced her very survival is at stake. And though I believe that Wyoming basically “likes” me, she doesn’t look to me highly enough to let go of her survival mechanisms to give me her full attention (yet). If I ask her to let go of the other thoughts she is managing and put me in the center of her mind, she is kind enough to warn me that I’m stepping into a dangerous place. If I continue to press this, she threatens… I don’t think she wants to have to kill me. But in the end, if she believes its her or me, right now she would follow through to whatever extent she could in order to get me to understand and back down.

    And so I began to press into Wyoming’s self protection mechanism. I don’t do it because I need her to become a “good citizen” (though I would love that to be an outcome). I don’t do it because I need her to become an obedient riding horse (that would be awesome, but I already have one of those). I am doing it because somehow this horse has come into my care, by ignorance, mistake, or willful stubbornness by the grace of God, she’s here now and we are going to have to find our way to a better place. 

    The truth (sometimes ugly when it comes out of the dark) is what will set us free.

    I continued this basic program of making just enough noise to break her loose from her other thoughts and have to focus on me at least for a moment. I left a lot of time in between for her to search out this puzzle and to process it. I am not trying to use fear to manipulate Wyoming, the tool (whatever it is) will not come after her, just make enough noise and fuss to have my thing bigger for the moment than the other thing she’s trying to hold on to when she gets stuck.

    When I did get her attention, it came with her best dragon impression. Today I wanted her to be “rewarded” for checking in with me even if it was with a massive wave of what looked like murderous rage.

    Oh, thanks for giving me your attention! Good job!

    Video clip of one of the times she realized she didn’t have to feel bad about being present in the process.

    I don’t know if that was the best response or not. I’m kind of in the wild myself here with her now. I’m learning by trying and trying not to get hurt in the process. When she comes at me with that kind of face, it does not feel good for her, but she has momentarily had to let go of that other thought, and she is present. The truth, it appears, is she is convinced being present will feel bad. I say that because as she would come at me with murder in her eyes, as the time went on, she would hang there a moment with her snakey ears pinned and eyes flaring and I just stood there two inches out of her reach and then we’d pause for just a moment, and she would begin to soften. She would look at me and start to relax, her ears would float back up, and I would be still and breathe evenly with as much peace as I could muster, trying to translate from every pore: I know you’re ready to fight, but I love you, you are mine, and we are going to get better together in time. I am here to help you.

    She would stand there and everything in her body would begin to soften until her lower lip would drop slightly and she would let go of the entire weight of the world she was used to carrying. The first time this happened in entirety, she stood in as much peace as I’ve seen her maybe ever, then she had a big release reaction. She shook her entire body and neck, she went into yawning that twisted her head both directions and her tongue would come out of her mouth in all directions. 

    It took two hours to come to this place where I could reach out and touch her on her forehead and she stood relaxed and peaceful, no fight in her. Not a hint of trying to send her mind out the gate or window. 

    Finally peace.

    I know this made a deep change in her, because after I walked away to do some things in the barn she began to eat hay. That might seem normal for a horse. However, I left the horses in their stalls for which is normal this time of year for a few hours a day. Khaleesi eats the most hay in these periods. Hope eats the next amount but less because she spends a portion of time laying down resting as she is not fully well. Wyoming always ate the least. 

    When I returned later to release the horses from their stalls, Wyoming had eaten every almost every blade of hay which is highly unusual. I always suspected it was because she was distracted with checking out her window and stall door, but she never paced or pawed or showed bigger signs of stress. She always went into the stall voluntarily. I think she would choose the stall because her herd was inside, so that’s where she needed to be- but her brain was in fact roving the field still on guard for danger. 

    As I worked with her for the two hours, not only did she gaze out the exit door, but there is a smaller window.  She would cycle her mind out that window, to the exit, then with Khaleesi in the next stall. Those three places were all on her list to cycle through making sure all was in order. At some point she must have added in eat some hay to the list, because she did eat some of her hay. She’s not lacking for calories, has never shown sign of colic, and drinks her water, so I never concerned myself with addressing her low hay consumption over the 6-9 hours they would spend inside.

    Now, if the herd is put in the barn, she eats all her hay and I keep adding more. This reinforces to me that the work I did with her over those two hours convincing her to let go of her thoughts to be present in the stall with me did not ONLY give her a few moments of peace while I was there, but she learned that she could find peace being present in the stall even when I was not there. She was finding more peace even on her own now.

    That is a very big deal. That is a very big why to continue to try.

    I wish I could say that in this first big day of finding a place of relaxation that we now have solved her issues and all is well!

    Not quite. The journey has only begun, and so far this one promises to be one of plot twists, steps forward and sideways, and sometimes backward… one that will require patience, and the ability to notice the smallest things as landmarks along the way. However I am seeing evidence that teaching a horse they can let go of a thought truly is one of the most important things to helping them live as good equine citizens. 

    Right now, asking Wyoming to let go of a thought feels to her like an attack on her self-preservation and tips her into fight mode. In other horses, it is a reason they bolt, flee, buck off a rider, or try to kill the vet. If a horse can let go of a hard thought they have a better chance at working together with us in our own thoughts – like you need hoof care, or to come safely with me as I lead you somewhere you aren’t sure you want to go… These are things most people could agree a good citizen would be able to do.

    Stay tuned as I process the days I spend with Wyoming. The ups and downs of that journey will be the focus for now, and I’ll be back soon with another installment!

  • The devil in the details.

    The devil in the details.

    In the last post (Complicated), I posed the root question:

    And so, the whole thing depends on the question: can I help change Wyoming’s experiences and thus her mind, that working together with me is something she can feel good about? And in changing this, could she feel better about her life all around?

    Over time I have been given advice about Wyoming suggesting a few basic horsemanship concepts. I was told You’ve got to make the “wrong” thing difficult and the “right” thing easy. Also This is a horse where you have to get it to be her idea if you want to succeed.

    This is all well enough… but somehow I wasn’t able to get a next step from the well meaning clinicians and horse-folk who suggested these better ways, to actually sort out exactly how was one to do this? The devil, they say, is in the details.

    As for the first premise, I have been astounded at how easy the “right” thing can be (walk quietly in a circle) to find this mare will choose ear pinning, rearing, and even trotting or cantering in order to NOT comply with my “easy” request. Have you ever heard that it takes more effort to frown than to smile? I’m certain that ear pinning and rearing take way more effort than quietly walking relaxed a turn or two around me.

    Khaleesi had this figured out pretty quickly. She did the math and came to the conclusion complying with my general requests were going to be the path of least resistance. I think she also knew my heart (is that a stretch to write about?) for however a horse knows these unseen things, I think Khaleesi has always known that for better or worse, overall I am trying to do right by her. This horse seems to reward the least try by her human, and she seems to have a lot more grace in my failings. Khaleesi is the kind of horse of which it is said: they will fill in for you… a lot.

    Wyoming is not such a horse. She may or may not know my heart is to do right by her, but she tells me every single time I am not quiet enough in a request, every single time I get impatient and don’t allow her the time to consider and choose. She responds to my energy and where I am looking and if my body is not exactly angled in the ideal way to ask that thing. She responds in a huge way if I am at all confusing to her in any signal. Wyoming has a very low tolerance for mixed signals or confusion.

    As for the second piece of advice, the making it her idea. I never got someone to show me effectively what that would that look like with her. In the past I figured it’s obviously one of those things you have to struggle through on your own (what are you an idiot to have to ask that follow up question of HOW to do it? Or maybe it was like the force… you have to find it on your own grasshopper). That was another assumption. I should have probably asked better follow up questions. Maybe someone might have been able to show me.

    Observing Harry Whitney and Tom Moates, it seems altogether less magical and more practical. The horse gets to choose and whatever she does IS her idea now. And as I’ve heard Harry say: when it’s her idea, then she will own it, then it’ll stick.

    Harry Whitney in TN patiently allows for the horse to come to the idea on her own

    Oh, I thought. So I must not trick, force, or otherwise manipulate and threaten her into doing what I want. And yet somehow I have to help her make better decisions? Which then follows that if I’m dealing with her honestly and not manipulating or otherwise controlling or punishing her… then it actually has to work out better FOR HER when she chooses the thing I am presenting. Which might incentivize her to truly seek to join with me because… it works out for her when she does.

    The devil is in the details.

    I hear a lot of talk in horse circles about putting the horse first, then watch the presentation of folks’ interpretation of that in action and am skeptical. Let me clarify a finer point, often I observe my own presentation of my own interpretation of putting the horse first, and I am highly skeptical even of my own stewardship of this concept.

    And yet, as I perch outside the round pen as Harry helps a horse, I think there is actually a simple truth in… well… put the horse first? Harry Whitney, in the scant week or so I’ve spent around him in California and Tennessee, puts an emphasis on how the horse feels above everything else. 

    Harry in Vista, CA February 2023 helping a horse center and find peace in the midst of distraction

    I am pretty good by now about sorting out what a horse does. I can see the way a horse steps over a hind foot, or if the horse’s body moves backward, or if the horse is walking, trotting or cantering. I am even good at seeing a weight shift and feeling which foot is lifting underneath me. It is not that hard to sort out: I asked you to walk, and you are not walking. This I need to “fix” somehow. Harry wants to know how the horse feels.

    As I circle back to the question, can I help Wyoming FEEL better about her life, it seems now to rise above all the other questions I have asked: Can I get Wyoming comfortable on the trailer? Can I get Wyoming to respond to a simple request unoffended? Can I put on a halter without her nipping at it as I put it on? Can I convince her to carry me as a rider without being so pinched up inside?

    And so I went to work last week, and the devil is in the details.

    Day one and day two were spent with Tom sorting out the fact that Wyoming is not only complicated, but that she does not feel good most of the time. Even in the herd she is never fully relaxed, she is the one who appears to take on the role of defender of any possible harm. This is a heavy load to carry. Any new environmental stimuli, even a chainsaw a mile away in the woods across the street is cause for concern and alert. 

    Khaleesi has a more balanced sense of what is concerning, and what can be noticed and let go of. Same herd, same stimuli, still aware of her environment and sometimes on alert, but quicker to let something go and relax again.

    If I were to consider Wyoming’s “worry cup” (as in the amount of anxiety a horse is building up until it runneth over – usually in a negative expression of some sort), Wyoming is not a cup half full kind of mare… she is like 5/8th  most of the time and now has learned to carry that kind of worry in everything she does. This would mean when I want to do something together I have precious little room to press her before her cup runs over. I think this constant anxiety is a big part of this not feeling good all the time.

    If she lives at 5/8 full, I think me showing up puts her at 6/8 (or 3/4 for those who prefer to simplify their fractions) then whatever we begin to sort through together leaves only 7/8 and then bam… self-protection at all costs shows up in fight/flight with the fight being unusually high on her list of options.

    I am considering the possibility that her 5/8 full worry cup at all times being a way of life could account for why she is so quick to flip over to fight/flight and the fact that we’ve had to get decent at dumping out the part we just filled if we both want to survive together. If this is an accurate hypothesis, then it follows that I have not been effective at getting down into the bottom 5/8 of the cup she carries constantly in order to empty some of that and give us some emotional space to work in.

    If I had to find an analogy to compare it to, it’s like working with a machine that is not running quite properly and you have to learn how to manage it without it overheating and blowing up if you want to get anything done. We exist too close to the red zone as an every day functioning.

    I think until I find a way to dig into some of the chronic discontent/anxiety she carries as her normal and help her to let go some of that somehow… then I’m constantly in the zone where every move I make could be the thing that takes her over the edge. It’s an eggshell kind of life. My guess is she would rather not live that way either. If she knew there was another way.

    As Tom says: this is the horse she would rather be.

    This winter and at other times I’ve put her into the benign neglect zone, first because I didn’t have any promising answers to bring a change. Second, in the winters I’m busy with my teaching work and have far less time for the herd.

    I used the think caring for her basic needs, allowing her to settle into a herd in a life of basic freedom could not only do no harm, but would help her reset again and feel better in order for us to possibly try again after that refreshing time off. Maybe the horse can drain the cup on her own? Since meeting Harry I am convinced that they actually DO need intervention in a different experience in order to make a change. Leaving them alone to “be a horse” if they are troubled will not fix the trouble. 

    The biggest take-away I had from Harry in Tennessee this spring was: 

    Our understanding runs our emotions, our emotions dictate our actions.  If you want a change in the horse, you must change their understanding. 

    Harry Whitney

    After Tom’s visit it had come into focus for me, somehow Wyoming needs new experiences to get that cup drained enough that she could withstand a little pressure in order to grow and expand her world. Leaving her alone to a world that gets smaller and smaller due to fears is not kindness. Creating a shake up in order to help her was going to be necessary.

    No Wyoming… tell me how you really feel?

    And the devil is in the details.

    This is where the hoof hits the dirt. The first question from the last post was: can I help Wyoming feel better with new experiences that will change her mind. Once everyone was gone and it’s just me and the mare I now to have to ask: How on earth am I going to do this?

    I have a feeling this is going to demand more from me that I currently possess in knowledge, skill, creativity, grace and most of all patience. As I got started, I realized this horse is probably going to be the kind that makes me or breaks me – meaning I will either grow and learn, or she’ll be too much for me and I will truly fail her. I can not at the moment accept the latter as a possibility, so I’m prepared to be changed from this process. 

    And so we begin… again… again.

  • Complicated

    Complicated

    “Well she’s… complicated…” he says, “This isn’t the kind of horse you move on, sell to someone else or otherwise offload.” As he turned to my friends he added, “This is the kind of horse that, well, people with this kind of disorder end up with…”

    I didn’t ask Tom what exactly that disorder was. I didn’t ask because I was pretty sure I knew. I was pretty sure it was whatever the disorder- it is the thing that tries to explain why certain people, upon finding they have acquired a “complicated” horse, instead of thinking what a terrible thing it is and how difficult the road will be, see an opportunity to learn things that “uncomplicated” horses cannot teach you.

    I could be wrong about that and probably should have asked. Probably I didn’t really want to know the definition of this disorder in it’s entirety. Some things are better left to wonder.

    I do have a fairly “uncomplicated” horse in the herd and I enjoy her immensely. I am not the kind of person who has to have a problem to solve at all times. Ok. That’s not true, I am that kind of person. However, I am also the kind of person who can enjoy an uncomplicated horse. In fact, I am grateful that the complicated horse will make me better for the uncomplicated one as well. 

    Enough of that. Back to the complicated wild one.

    I’ve had Wyoming, I keep saying about five years, but I think I’ve been saying five years for at least two years now, so it might be more like seven years. I’ve written about her journey from time to time here. I’ve ridden her, I’ve done ground work, I’ve trailer loaded her, I’ve done clinics with her… but I have never found “success” with her. 

    When I say success I mean: felt like we had come to a place where things were working together well. 

    Everything I have done with her that initially masqueraded as success has always eventually unraveled, sometimes in potentially dangerous ways.

    I could get things done with her, and she’s so sensitive it sometimes “looked” amazing, but it never felt good, it never felt solid, it never felt right.

    I still haven’t given up. This mare has over time brought up the question for me if there are horses we should “give up” on and allow them to live out their days as a pasture ornament, but that never felt right for her. I think Wyoming has a desire to do something together. I just have not been able to figure out how to do it so it works for us both.

    This is Tom Moates’ second visit to play around with us on the farm. We focused on trailer loading last time, and though that is still not settled, I have a good path laid out and can continue to work on it. What I wanted to address this visit was the path to becoming a reliable riding horse (or the decision she couldn’t be). 

    She has been started and restarted a few times already, the last time, a couple years back I even went on a few nice trail rides on her before she began laying down during the ride. Yes, while I was riding her. When she was done, she was done. I was never hurt, she would simply lay down and I got off, but this is an example of how it was not successful. 

    I tried letting her know this laying down thing is not how we do trail rides. She didn’t care. When Wyoming is done, there’s nothing left to say about it. I could have whipped or beat her, but it wouldn’t matter. She would die if that’s what it took. This is what we come to, eventually, with about everything.

    After a few episodes of her laying down on the trail, and me trying various responses of either ignoring it- getting off, asking her to get up, and simply getting back on and continuing on… I also tried carrying a crop and smacking her forward when she started to lay down… she actually got so fast at it in order to avoid getting driven forward that she could lay down with little to no warning! 

    But it didn’t matter in the end, because the problem continued to move up the chain to her refusing to leave the yard entirely and she would crow hop, buck and start to rear if I insisted. Which took us all the way back to can we ride in the arena again, and then can I just get on her and ask her to go forward at all?

    This is an example of how things would come apart. 

    And so I go back to the drawing board and try to figure out why this isn’t working out.

    Since she didn’t travel on a trailer (she has before but that also came unglued) my options for getting help living at the end of nowhere have been limited. In February, Harry Whitney put me in touch with Tom Moates, who lives within driving distance from me. Tom has an interest (disorder based too?) in wild mustangs and complicated horses, Wyoming is both of these, so he was keen to work with me if I could line up enough other horses to make the short trip worthwhile. We now call them these fun two-days of people and horses “roving clinics” as we hop up the valley from farm to farm on the 220 corridor. Mix in some good food and laughter and what could be better?

    A soft moment with Tom after we worked a while on getting her to center up her mind

    On Monday (day one of two days this visit), Tom watched me halter Wyoming in the field with her small herd loose on the handful of acres, and try to get her mind centered on me. Unsuccessfully. 

    I had planned to get her halter on in order to bring her in so we could begin talking about the process of saddle and riding and how we might go about finding the holes that have apparently been left behind in the many other starting processes so I could sort out my homework with her going forward. I had plans, but have learned to come with a plan and take what presents. I could have walked her away but I knew she wasn’t with me, so I tried to address that first. 

    Tom watched me struggle to center the mare and get her to let go of the herd, the environment, and all the other things her busy mind keeps track of at any one second and after a few minutes asked me: Would you like me to comment?

    Yes. Please. 

    In this way we began working right there in the field with what we had. It took a while to get the mare willing to give up on all the other thoughts she was juggling enough to cooperate with a few simple asks including “can you walk around me in a circle, relaxed and responsive in case I want to make a change midstream (not on autopilot)?” What I’ve become used to and what Tom and the others were seeing is that this mare can go from: I’m ok but I’m not really focused… to I’m about to stab you in the heart and pound on your grave… quickly back to oh hey what do you want to do for dinner?

    It’s a Jekyll and Hyde life with her, and when she threatens death it’s convincing.  I’ve yet to see her follow through, and I’m not afraid of her. This doesn’t mean I don’t take her seriously, but I don’t think she wants to act out her threats. When I see this dragon act, I usually put in a hard boundary and she lets go of murder momentarily, and we go back into the cycle… wash, rinse, repeat. I have not been able to make a significant change in the cycle as of yet. Thus the we are not successful feeling I have. 

    On any normal day you walk into the field with the herd she is the ambassador, friendliest horse I have. I bring anyone and everyone in to meet the horses without concern. She is not a generally aggressive horse. She loves to be around people and I see her as usually quite willing to try. All it takes is for her to feel trapped and asked to do something (anything) that isn’t what she had in mind and it flips like a switch to life and death, self-preservation, and you can see it in her threats to fight.

    Abigail & Wyoming a few years back

    She doesn’t hold on to that big bluster long, and when I meet that with an equal sized quit that!! She always does, and she goes back to a normal looking horse, her eyes are not blazing and her ears look normal, and the teeth go back where they belong behind fuzzy velvet muzzle. Usually she’ll comply with the request which is something like walk around a circle. But often she does it with a hard heart. She complies in order to get it over with which becomes avoidance by compliance. This turns into auto-pilot where she can do the thing without engaging her brain which she prefers to keep on the forty-two things she is juggling while trying not to have to give me any more brain space than necessary to keep me at bay.

    I have learned to walk the knife edge of demanding things of her and yet not getting hurt, which as I reflect might have put us in a truce where I accept not having her full attention if she will give me enough of it to do a thing together. This would also be why we still are not successful.

    As Tom watched this dynamic between us he questioned some of my responses and my timing, and my choice to get bigger or not get bigger, and when… which all was useful for me because we have a particular history and way of relating that may not be always ideal. Yet after a while when he asked to take the lead rope and do some experimenting he came back with the moment we began this blog.

    She’s complicated.

    Tom observed not very many horses are as quick as she is to go to full on life or death self-protection response and threaten violence. He also didn’t think she truly wanted to take out a human, but we all agree it’s not completely posturing. If she were pressed it seemed likely she’d shoot to kill. Her switch between the two: life and death versus compliant seemed unusually quick. It was also not completely clear when the bad attitude needed to be met with a big boundary and when it might be more productive to ignore it and allow it to dissolve without creating an explosion. I have struggled myself sorting this knife edge out in working with her.

    What Tom came around to express is his clarity that the mare doesn’t feel very good most of the time, and because she isn’t feeling very good, she’s quick to explode. We don’t know if this is necessarily physical. She may not feel good physically, though I don’t have evidence for this. What seems very clear is mentally and emotionally she does not feel good. This could be chicken and egg so we have to start somewhere to effect her feeling better and my sense is mentally emotionally is a good place to start because we have no clear entry point for the physical (I’ve had her checked over through the years wondering if she had physical issues, and we just don’t have any good leads on that side). 

    She is hyper vigilant and is always ready for an environmental factor to take out the herd. She is concerned about everything. I also think from the way I’ve worked with her in the past- with my natural horsemanship, direct pressure, driving style- she is concerned about getting the right answer to a cue. It’s not personal, it’s everything. She’s like a teenager who is mad at the world and the bad attitude is always at the surface ready to come out in a snarky comment, sarcastic remark or an eye roll. 

    I don’t know if she came this way or if humans (including me) created this. My guess is it’s a combination, and it doesn’t really matter. The same me working with the same tools also produced Khaleesi who is a great partner and basically compliant- even one might say responsive – horse. We have much room for improvement together but Khaleesi never threatens my life. Each kid is different in a family, so is each horse in a herd. And this horse is more like the kid adopted from a war zone who lived there long enough to carry some trauma. Regardless of her background, I’m sure I have a hand in the degree of problems we are working out. I’m not particularly bothered by this, I only plan to do better from here. 

    Great moment at the end of the session when Tom was checking out if she can tolerate some “dead weight” while carrying the saddle.

    When Tom said she doesn’t feel good about anything it struck me in a new way. Strange, because I could have said that same thing myself for years if I’d thought about it. Deep down I knew this was true but hadn’t isolated this is the root problem everything hinges from. Clearly the entire picture is hanging on the question: can I help Wyoming feel good about life in general and working with me?

    If she did begin to feel good, then trailer loading would work out better, the riding would fall into place, and even simple things would not be such a challenge. As Tom observed: you can get THAT onto a trailer, but then what? You’re just trailering THAT around! You don’t want to travel with THAT? THAT is not the kind of thing you want to export.

    we don’t want to export THAT

    Indeed.

    And so, the whole thing depends on the question: can I help change Wyoming’s experiences and thus her mind, that working together with me is something she can feel good about? And in changing this, could she feel better about her life all around?

    Apparently that’s part of the disorder in me, against all evidence so far, I say yes. At least I think that’s what having hope is all about. Here at Hope Horsemanship, I’m certainly going to try.

  • Avoidance

    Avoidance

    Have you considered avoidance?

    In my somewhat “off grid” experiments with Wyoming this fall, I am changing my approach to her education away from the direct pressure paradigm and trying to lead her mind and emotions by guiding instead of driving. I am finding myself yet again back at the basics with this mare. Last winter I spent four months with complete liberty and no halter-lead rope where she had to choose to engage if we did anything. This winter I suppose we’ve stepped it up as now I find us in the step of putting the halter on and teaching her to be led.

    I had a friend take a video Monday of the process on a challenging high alert day because the farm cows were being moved around in the horse field so her environmental antennae were fully tuned and her ability to focus on me and consider being willingly restrained was very difficult. What a great opportunity to see how deep the cracks are in this trust foundation.

    What I saw in great clarity when I watched the video was avoidance. 

    In the video you can see Wyoming is not comfortable with the idea of being confined by wearing the halter attached to a lead rope. Her personality is fear based and her flight mode is easily triggered. Her freedom is her most sacred need. [Hm, they say our horses teach us about ourselves….] If she is attached to me I would interfere with her perceived need to move those feet (fast) when she feels enough worry to flip to the sympathetic nervous system and go into flight. I have come to understand more than ever for this mare to partner with a human it is going to take massive trust on a higher level than the average horse.

    When I position myself in the place I would put the halter on her, she is pressed to discomfort but not thrown over her threshold. This is an important factor in the work with her. If I break through her threshold I push her into full on flight-fight-freeze mode and we cannot do any mental work there. Note that with many horses you can work in that mode, but you are training reactions not responses and neither of you can access the horse’s brain when they are in sympathetic response mode. What I hope to find is the place where she is slightly uncomfortable because I’m pressing on that bubble but haven’t exploded it. This is where she can think and learn, and my hope is finally get some traction on progress with our partnership that is lasting.

    How I know in this video that I have not gone into full flight mode is she is never attached to a tool (she has her freedom) and she doesn’t exit stage left. Still it is clear she is pressed into discomfort because she does “leave”, but in more subtle ways. 

    Avoidance.

    I knew it was happening but I saw it with more clarity from the 3rd perspective eye of the video. She didn’t want me to put the halter on and I could see this in the ways she would disconnect from being present with me. She would turn her full attention to the cows (mental). She walked a few steps away (physical). She “nipped” at me with her lips (emotional). She tried to ignore me through eating grass (how many of us have avoidance issues that turn us toward food or drink?).

    My response to these was not punishment. The goal of punishment is to change a behavior. While I am pressing on her comfort zone it only makes sense she is going to have to sort out what to do about it and telling me she is uncomfortable. I don’t want to change the behavior, I want to change her mind.

    In order to do this I will stay in the place where it’s pressing in but not exploding and make sure she knows I hear her. I let her know I hear her by not crossing the line she is most worried about. She is not uncomfortable with my presence around her body in any place. She is uncomfortable with the next step of losing her freedom to me (halter). So I stay in the conversation with her and let her know I will not force her to make the next step. This is how I build trust with her. I stay present with her exactly where she is until she can make the change mentally that she is safe with me and can relax.

    In the video I talk through the conversation I have with her as she uses various avoidance ideas to disconnect and not stay present with me in the uncomfortable place. I can tell you for sure- I can see that this mare is afraid of punishment. She is afraid of correction. I have to communicate with her so the correction is helpful and gentle while still guiding her toward a better path. If it’s too much she overreacts and goes into flight-fight. So when she “leaves” me mentally I do something to bring her back. This is part of the experimental part for me because I have to always find that sweet spot where she feels heard and led into a better place not thrown into sympathetic response mode. I wiggle my lead rope sometimes, I annoy her grazing attempts with my boot (and you can see how that works out!), I stay in step with her when she takes a few steps. 

    This kind of work takes unique understanding of each horse because there is no set answer to all horses. I would have to get much bigger to break Hope out of a shut down state and get her back to present in ways that would send Wyoming to flight. My relationship with Khaleesi is much stronger so I can do a bigger correction without her taking it as personally- she doesn’t have an unnatural response and we can move forward together more efficiently together.

    At some point the change I hope for comes and she releases the tension and worry she had been holding in her body with a big neck shake. On this particular day that is a great place to finish and I tell her thank you and walk away. I don’t pierce into the next level with the halter although the session before this (which was over a week before due to being out of town) we had put the halter on and done some leading work without worry.

    Each session I must take the horse I have and do what she can tolerate or I will create relationship damage. That is the thing I am coming to realize more and more as I “grow up” is that yes, we can go forward when we don’t have agreement and connection- but do we fully understand the damage that is caused? I wonder.

    This is the case with the humans around us as well. Some are more geared toward progress and goals and some are naturally geared toward relationship and connection. I see that both are strengths and weaknesses. Those goal-progress oriented can do a lot of damage as we believe the prize is worth it and everyone will see that eventually. We run over others mostly for their own good. And yet the relational-connection folks can get so stuck in the messy imperfect relationship questions that they don’t get the strength of relationship because they don’t press into the challenges with courage and intention.

    If I never ask anything of my horses it does not create any relationship. Asking them to do things they don’t understand or are not ready to do mentally destroys relationship opportunities.  

    I see great value in this work and will continue to experiment with it. 

    Wyoming has by far required me to understand new ways of thinking or one of us was eventually going to get really injured. Yet as she has kept me in the curious mindset (I am too stubborn to just give up on us) I am seeing an early harvest with this line of work with Khaleesi and Hope as well. Because these two are less of a challenge for every day “simple” tasks (like wearing a halter without anxiety) their changes have been deeper and exciting.

    As always, I appreciate the clarity working with these horses gives me on my own life. I have begun to see in others around me to deeper layers of questions below the surface behaviors and it helps me have more compassion and not get so focused on the “unwanted behavior” and realize it’s the deeper heart and mind cracks that are behind the behavior. I can’t always help each person depending on our relationship and connection, but I can have more freedom in my own responses and not go into sympathetic self-protection responses as quickly.

    More transformational still, it’s brought awareness to my own avoidance behavior. When am I uncomfortable and want to distract myself with “the cows over there” or trying to eat or drink (or pick up my phone to check emails and messages rather than engage a troubling situation or thought), when do I nip at those around me hoping to send them away so I can self-protect? Truly not everyone should have my full submission and trust and that must be built, but I’m certain I can do this more intentionally and made decisions instead of reactions if I slow down and try to understand why I am feeling so anxious, angry or afraid. I can sort out my own cracks and look for greater truths to strengthen with, and maybe stop some of the cycles around me of irresponsible relationship behaviors that leave people wounded and lashing out in self-protection (creating more wounds in others).

    Link to YouTube videos:

    Avoidance video

    Fear of pressure video

  • Am I safe? (conclusion)

    Am I safe? (conclusion)

    In part 1 and part 2 of Am I Safe? I wrote about some observations and questions that connect to conversations I’ve been listening to around the neurological system and healing. Hopefully in the wrap up below (part 3) I can give some thoughts on what we can do with these questions.

    First the elephant… It is very hard to see borderline (or outright) abuse happening in situations where very clearly the people involved see it as normal. The more I learn the more clarity comes with my own herd- and the world around me. I am grateful for the horses in my own herd because they are constantly reminding me that humility is my superpower… this doesn’t mean I am amazing at humility, instead it means I can always choose humility and every time I do it empowers me and those around me where pride is ALWAYS ALWAYS destructive. I am convinced it is pride and ego that are the deepest roots of the pain we cause horses day to day.

    Early in my career riding endurance with Khaleesi I was certain she was not giving me her best  (she’s being lazy) and I was determined on this particular ride to insist she give me all she had to see what we were capable of. Around the last loop of the ride she really began to slow down. I INSISTED she get moving! We only had so many miles left: you can do this, come ON why are you slowing down you are not that tired! I know you! You have more to give!!

    The more I insisted the more she resisted. I can still feel the red-angry frustration that was welling up in me, I was not thoughtfully making a decision anymore I was infuriated that she was refusing to get this done. I grabbed a stick and whipped her butt- I MEAN IT!

    She began to comply and try (this story still breaks my heart to retell it) and I began to notice something…. When the ground got sandy and soft she ran and trotted her best, and she always slowed down when the ground got hard and rocky – still trying to show me she was going, but CLEARLY not as comfortably. She wasn’t softly giving me her everything, she was doing the whole thing with brace and not exactly an attitude (she never threatened to buck or fight me) but not a willing happy heart.

    It began to come together and I softened. No, I was right she wasn’t tired. Her feet hurt.

    She was in pain.

    We were now close to the finish and I let her walk every rocky surface and she would trot on sand- but the damage was done. Both physically and mentally. When we got to the finish, it was a hot day, but it took her 20 minutes to come down in heart rate. We used ice water and hand walked her. This horse generally pulses if she is fine in minutes after cantering into camp. The ONLY reason she does not pulse is physical pain. There have been three times in our career I’ve had pulse issues. We did get her down in enough time to final vet. She didn’t look great and got a “C” on gait but the vet noted it was not clearly a lameness- she was just looking all around exhausted so we got a completion. 

    Grace I did not deserve.

    We got back to the trailer and I was devastated. What had I done? Ego. Pride. Never again.

    I learned a lesson that day and in the years since I have NEVER repeated that by forcing Khaleesi to give me more than she was willing and able.

    The trailer loading debacle I wrote about in part 2 was that NEVER again moment between Wyoming and me. I tried to use force to move her forward in the process. That choice that jacked up my trailer, could have gotten her killed (as she broke off the chest bar leaving enough lead rope to hang herself over a hinge like a fish on a line) and left me some wicked rope burns to remember it by. Again I know I got off easier than I deserved.

    I took this picture that day when I “hung up her halter” for a time. I comitted to work within her threshold regardless of what it was and not to listen to the voices that say I should just “get it done” by force, whatever the thing is. I did not use a halter with her for months.

    Now that I write this… some of that deep trauma in her poll and neck that she was resisting could very well be residual from that wreck I caused.

    So there are two of my most dramatic, but not the only, moments of when my ego or pride and ignorance created trauma for a horse in my own herd. But for the grace of God go I again over those paths and every year I learn more I can look back more recent than I’d like and see ignorance or impatience creating problems I preach so hard against.

    Humility is my superpower.

    Yet humility does not mean never speaking about what I see, and what I’m learning because it might create discomfort. It means I don’t do it in a “me against you” conversation, but always a “I am with you” conversation. With compassion. And with the knowledge that we can only do the best we know at the time. And pride is so insidious- it attacks at a deep root level and is very hard for any of us to see in the mirror, and easy for others to spot looking in. My best advice if you care to grow, is to find a few people you trust and give them a hunting license to help you see what you cannot. 

    In all fairness, I still fail a lot. But I refuse to quit. 

    In the case of Hope and other horses I see in broken down states, I don’t think any one of the people in her line was an evil genius trying to wreck a beautiful creature physically, emotionally and mentally. I think every one of them wanted what most horse people want with a horse. They want good things right? And yet people created the deep rooted problems in this mare by ego and ignorance. It’s how most problems start. Not one person in her line of owners took the time to listen to her and then do what it took to help her. They saw her as obstinate and unwilling. I can say she is neither of those. She had finally been… broken.

    What then can we do?

    I asked the question in part 2: What can I do to make Wyoming feel safe enough to let go of her trauma? I will never had a successful relationship with her while her nervous system is on overdrive. She cannot communicate, connect or learn if she is only on survival/react mode. Wyoming wears her emotions on her outside. We always know how she’s feeling, and she doesn’t have emotional stability and well being. On the other side of the coin is Hope. She is equally traumatized but her reaction is to withdraw and shut down, comply as much as she is able. She hides deep inside herself. Horses willing to go this route are often considered respectful and obedient. Bombproof and ideal… until they simply cannot.

    I had hoped to find another expert conversation to tell me in a nutshell how to fix all this for my herd. No such luck. Instead I heard another quote ringing in my ears: 

    You cannot come to a horse intentionally thinking you want to fix something. If you come with the goal of fixing it your horse will internally brace against it and you won’t be able to fix it. Instead let go of the idea that you are fixing something and simply find a little place to release tension here or help them to relax there and before you know it thinks get better and you have fixed things. You have to let go of your agenda in order to help the horse. 

    Jim Masterson

    I have three personal takeaways from all of this. The order isn’t key as much as they are all interconnected so they work together in a synergistic way. I trust you can sort out what it all means for you and your horse journey.

    1. Get better than you currently are at understanding horse communication. And put it into practice by listening better. Everyone says that of course they listen to their horse. Just as no one was setting out to destroy Hope earlier in her life, my experience is those owners would say the same thing- of course they understand horses and of course they listen, many many people who have own horses and ride horses do not have accurate understanding of what is going on in their horse’s communication. I see most riders- especially ones who have “been around horses all their lives” making assumptions about what they think the horse is saying that is often pretty inaccurate. This brings up another quote:

    Horses survive by being incredibly adaptable. They adapt to the way we work with them. They are so adaptive we often miss what’s really there because they are so good at accommodating.

    Jim Masterson

    Keep in mind have a real disadvantage in this from the start because of how accommodating horses are by nature, but that is a survival skill not a healthy way of being.

    Horse people have taken pure communication from the horse like ear pinning, evasion (evasion can be trying to step away from mounting, bucking, rearing, spooking, running away etc), pawing, pushing, nipping and kicking and turned those into “unwanted behaviors” that we train out so they can be “good horses”. This begins early on and then is continued through their lives. We have taken away their negative communication channels. We as a culture training our horses not to share when they have a problem. No one wants a horse to bite them including me. If we were more adept at seeing early subtle signs they wouldn’t have to bite us in order for us to understand. 

    Part of helping a horse to understand it is safe is ensuring a horse feels seen and heard. Accurately. Acknowledge when your horse is trying to communicate she is not OK and see if you can find out why. Then commit to a change- do something about the problem.

    2. Accept that one cannot separate behavioral (mental and/or emotional) from physical issues.

    Of course there are issues that begin behavioral and there are issues that stem from physical problem but it is always more complicated and they will always connect. If you have a physical issue that isn’t addressed it will always show up as a behavioral issue. If your horse is experiencing physical discomfort they will do things like refuse to make that jump, not be as eager to do upward transitions, try to evade being caught, pin their ears or nip while being groomed or saddled, etc.

    On the other side, if your horse is having mental or emotional issues (isn’t confident to leave the herd, confusion over what is being asked, feels like it will never get released or there is never a right answer, is over stimulated) that will show up in time in the physical body as ulcers, joint or tendon injuries due to not moving in a relaxed and proper form for the work, or acute injuries from flight responses when they aren’t thinking but reacting and get themselves hung up, cut up, or in some other wreck.

    If you always assume there are connections between behavior and the body you will have more data to work with in assessing what is really going on and have a leg up on finding problem before they are a big financial and time investment to sort out. 

    3. Assume your ego and pride are your biggest enemy and that both are working against you and then seek out ways to fight against them. Humility is your superpower too.

    We all see our horses as friends (well anyone reading this blog for sure does), and we want to do what’s best for them. That is our high value (high values are how we talk, core values are what we walk). I hear most people say “I always put the horse first.” It’s in the core value where things get dicey. Are you willing to do what is best for your horse when it costs you the resource you have least of… for some that is money, for some it is time. 

    I was fascinated listening to Anja Beran who has been teaching classical dressage in Germany for over 25 years. She has been a voice against poor training in modern dressage (at very high levels) and is a great to seek out in the conversation of creating a powerful willing horse that can compete in any discipline much longer than the norms we see today. When the interviewer asked her how long it usually takes her to work with a client horse that comes in with some trouble (when you get good at successfully fixing problems, you see a fair amount of them) and even I was a bit surprised at her answer: Well, you see usually we find it is a minimum one year, and often we will keep them and work with them up to three years to help them come back into a healthy way of moving again.

    Here in America we expect results in a weekend to maybe 30 days on the outside. Unfortunately you can get a horse looking to an uneducated eye (that would be 80% of the horse-person population if you go with the rule of the Pareto principle) in 30 days training, but there are so many holes in these horses that someone is eventually going to crash through physically, mentally, emotionally or all of the above- it’s only a matter of time.

    Anja explained that a very high level circus in Germany uses her exclusively to train their Lippizaner team and she says they bring them to her for seven years. The reason they are willing to invest that kind of time she explains is because they perform well into their thirties when they are trained properly. A healthy balanced horse will also cost much less over time in vet bills and missed work.

    Money is a limited resource for most of us. It is true we have to make decisions thoughtfully when it comes to how much we can allocate to a horse, but I have seen people throw tons of cash around if they believe they will get a quick fix to a problem. Time is usually the more treasured resource and we appear as a culture not willing to give our beloved horses the time they desperately need to learn how to carry their bodies properly, to think and make choices instead of hurry up and react to my pressure (obey) so we can get on with what I want to do. We also need time – to get better in our own knowledge and skills so we can actually help the horses instead of always talking about how they are so good at taking care of us.

    And so I circle all the way back to that first question… why is that horses — when they are given more supportive care and a place that will hear them ask for help do they appear to get so much worse?

    From the neurological perspective I have been learning more from, I think when they begin to feel safe they will begin to heal. And no healing can take place without the revelation of brokenness. One must feel in order to heal. With any person or horse or any living creature- survival often means setting aside a wound in order to get through now. When we are given a safe place to peel off the survival mechanisms the only road to wholeness is by revealing the brokenness and then letting it go or getting the professional help required to walk through the healing.

    It makes more sense to me now that it would take Hope some time to believe she was in a safe enough place to fall apart. It also makes sense that Wyoming has deep layers she does not feel she is safe to release yet. Knowing that means I can be more attuned to making her feel heard and that her worries and concerns while I might think on human terms are overblown and inaccurate, to her they are enough to jack up her nervous system and that’s all that matters.

    In both cases I have come to see that I cannot approach this as a new (oh that ego is tricky!) goal for them. I am a driven person and I can take their healing and turn it into it’s own goal that then becomes a new source of stress and pressure.

    When Hope first came back from her stay with Dr. Hancock I was very excited to see her bloom into a healthy mare. I was great at doing all the things I was told would help her recover. But she seemed to be getting worse after a week or so. I was able to recognize that I had dumped my expectations of her coming into health on her and she was straining under the pressure. I tried to let her know that I believe I had done all I could for her professionally and now it was up to her to get better. I would help all I could but she would need to go at her own pace in her own way. I was committed to be with her and support her. 

    She has good days and bad days, and stress is more likely to create a bad day. I don’t always have control over stress in a horse herd. My healthier horses are less affected by it. Overall I see clear trends toward better. She more stable in her balance. She is moving better in her body. She has less mucous and infection recurrence. She is brighter in the eyes. She has more “personality” and preferences coming out. When we brought her home in December of 2020 I would never have guessed she could have so many deep layers of brokenness it came close to costing her life; she held it together pretty well for months. The very limited work she was for a few months in could not have caused the depth and seriousness of her condition. The downhill freefall actually came while she was in pasture rest with her herd through her second winter here. A place she probably felt the most safe in a long time.

    I look forward to what healthy Hope will be like. I look forward to her becoming more her own horse and getting to know her. And I will continue to find ways to help Wyoming believe she can let go of the trauma her past life and I have caused. I will get better at hearing their concerns and answering how I can. I will assume less and be curious more. I will honor them with the time they need and set aside my own goals and plans for them regardless of what people on the outside think. And hopefully I will look back at this series someday with a more complete picture and have some corrections to make- 

    For now, I think that is the best I can do.

    Hope before I brought her home December 2020
    A little morning trot in July 2022 after returning from functional vet care
    Hope now (October 2022)

    I would like to conclude by bringing up that one cannot give what one does not have. I also have seen in myself wounding and brokenness that made it hard for me to be the whole healthy balanced person who could set aside my ego and goals and the external pressures at work on me to have the grounding and confidence to allow these horses to fall apart. Because there was a time when them falling apart was too close to my own identity and I could not be the stabilizing factor and have the patience and grace to not need the horse to perform for me in order to make it’s life worthwhile. I also consider the complexity of a world of wounded people who are part of the cycle with traumatized horses. I hope someday HH will be able to help encourage increasingly more powerful horses AND powerful people in richness of mental, physical and emotional health.

    Thank you for reading this series and I hope it gives you some things to chew on and encouragement to find ways to improve your own herd toward increasing excellence, connection, and deeper relationship.

  • Am I Safe? (part 2)

    Am I Safe? (part 2)

    This is the continuation from Am I Safe? (Part 1).

    Mulling over some of the basic ideas I shared in part 1, I headed to the barn to experiment with Jim Masterson’s simple initial video of the bladder meridian to see what my herd had to say about it all. I have three diverse mares to explore:

    Ireland’s Khaleesi I’ve had 8 years now. She is the horse that began the grand experiment. I started her myself as a basically untouched 4-year old that was born into a herd running the western Virginia Mountains on a large property on St. Patrick’s day 2010. I wanted a horse that didn’t have much human interaction and all the mistakes in her development would be mine… I had little information and fewer tools, but I wanted to learn and grow. Boy have I gotten what I asked for. It’s had highs and lows, but the relationship between that mare and me is, if nothing else, authentic. I think that also makes it strong. I’ve been as honest as possible warts and all, and she’s had to put up with a massive learning curve. She has also been pretty honest with me and thankfully lets me know when it’s not going well on her end. If she held her thoughts to herself and just complied I would not learn as quickly.

    Every year I’m sure I write in one of my blog posts that we are finally connecting and what that tells me is there is always more- because every time I wrote it I believed it. I was sure we had come to a new level of connection. The truth as I look back is it was always right, and there are way more layers than I ever dreamed. So this year, including so much freedom, choice, and physical strength we have a lot more harmony of thought and movement and it’s a glimpse for me of the dream: that horse that feels like you’re one with when you think and she responds… and then there’s the day when she looks right at you and trots away down the trail you just finished riding and for what reason you cannot imagine decides to go back out and explore when you dropped the lead rope carrying the saddle to the truck hoping to get home before dark… or at the trot out for the vet at a ride you see an old friend and wave and find your attention snapped back when she nips at your elbow letting you know you’re not present… Regardless, we are friends and all the mess that goes along with it.

    Wyoming who I’ve had about 6 years now (who’s counting?) and have gone through many questions and confusion as to how she’s put together. I have had success with her but it always  falls apart at some point without me understanding why. She appears very physically healthy- in fact my friends and I tease nothing COULD kill that horse (not even a hand grenade) she is a tough wild BLM mare who is a little too adept at survival. However she appears to like me, and other people. She is the friendliest animal I have and loves to interact, she is unwilling to take much direction and is quick to take her toys and go home if you cross her threshold which seems to be amazingly a low one. She has been my greatest teacher. She makes me better than any other horse I’ve met so far.

    Redemption’s Hope is the rescue who has been quite sick in her second year in my care though she is on the long slow road to recovery now, she is quiet and came to me on the shut down side. She has a sweet nature and a soft eye but the lady has a vein of marble running through her and when she gets to a certain point you slam against the wall and nothing moves. 

    I purposefully brought her in to see if I could learn to help a shut down horse- one who had not been heard and had learned to cope by withdrawing and cooperating. This is a horse who (my best guess recreating from the pieces I’ve been given and physical evidence I’ve accumulated) probably tried hard to do what she was asked and was trained with pressure to some degree (like most horses today). She had trainers, owners, or handlers who did not realize they were causing her confusion, stress or pain mentally and physically. She likely didn’t have a real choice, the double-blind I mentioned in part 1 (comply or become more uncomfortable, where comply might have been physically painful, physically awkward, or confusing and unclear), so she began to learn to react rather than respond, to seek release instead of follow a feel or invitation, her right to think was taken away as was her right to communicate that she was confused or hurting. She shut down and seemed like a respectful obedient horse. She had all the signs of being that fabulous natured horse we all want for our kids to ride, until she really couldn’t anymore and then she’d dig in her heels and unable to continue finally say no until it looked like bucking and rearing. She was likely sold early on as a problem or injured horse, discarded to rescue, then returned twice to rescue (this I was told), picked up by a teaching stable operation, and failed out of teaching with two different instructors. Then abandoned to a field where the new owner hoped to figure out what to do with her at some point- glad to sell her to me for a song to have one less mouth to feed.

    My definition of a shut down horse.

    I began the Masterson experiment with Khaleesi because we have the most solid relationship and I should get an honest read from her. She is like my baseline case. True enough, I found his method of watching for reaction as I traced my fingers down her line seemed to work as he said it would. She didn’t have a lot going on but occasionally would have a reaction/tension spot and if I waited there she would respond with a release usually in a working of her jaw and tongue occasionally in a neck shake or deep sigh. 

    I did shorter pieces of the work with Hope and found her resistant at first in the way of being distracted and fidgety, but when she began to figure out what I was doing- and that it was helping her not expecting something of her that she couldn’t understand – she began to get still and engage in the process. 

    Hope was so sick physically in the late spring that I am certain if I didn’t get her to True North Vetrinarian Services I would have been digging a hole for her. I had routine standard vets look at her the summer and fall before as I observed issues that I knew weren’t quite right, but the standard vet answers of antibiotics some chiropractic adjustments didn’t address the healing of the root causes and the effects of them always wore off. True North does functional integrative veterinary care and Hope ended up staying with Dr. Hancock for a month (this was not our initial plan!) as they peeled back the layers to get to the roots and help her.

    She has been home three months and it’s a long road but she is improving. She came home after many sessions of osteopathic body work done slowly as her body could handle it, and many blood tests and radiographs to rule out diseases and injury, and ended up needing a dental adjustment to release pressure in her sinus cavity that was causing a constant low grade abscess. Right now her body is in much better shape except chest area is still holding deep hard tension —- gradually I see it releasing. When I began to do some of the Masterson work with her I was a bit surprised to find so much releasing around her hind end and less in the neck/shoulders. But she did seem to enjoy the process and even stopped eating grass to participate. She gave many release moments and I could see a change in her movement later that day when she trotted around the field with the herd in a more relaxed gait. She is also walking more fluidly as I do this work on her little by little. 

    I think Hope has come to trust that she is in a safe place and that I am here to help her. I hope that she has released the worst of the root damage in her physical and emotional system and is now on the road to healing and becoming truly better for it.

    It was Wyoming that had me the most intrigued.

    One morning I went into Wyoming’s stall while the herd was hanging in the barn in a relaxed way. I gave her a rub and told her what I was going to do and began at the poll like I had seen and didn’t get very far before I saw her eye blink a few times. So I made a note of the spot and moved my fingers lightly back up to see if that was coincidence, flies, or that spot would have the same reaction. I saw exactly the same eye blinking when I got to that spot. There was something going on there.

    In this method you only need observation and patience. First get good at observing very subtle reactions from the horse, then be prepared to wait with a very light touch calling attention to the place the tension is being held, if anything lighten the touch releasing your own energy to encourage the horse to let that tension go. When they release the protective tension they allow their body more into alignment which will enable the horse to move more freely.

    So I gently let a breath out, waited in the spot and whispered almost to myself: It’s ok, you can let that go whatever it is…

    This is where Khaleesi and Hope would have yawned, breathed out, shaken her neck or some sort of relaxing movement to release tension. So I waited for something to happen. But instead she stood quietly but not exactly relaxed. Her lips and eye looked tight.

    Then she moved her lips but it was not a release, it was more to make a kind of nipping in my general direction: I’m not comfortable with this, whatever it is…

    So I got softer, breathed out and whispered so my intent was clear: It’s ok, I’ll stay with you, you can let this go now.

    Again she stood still but not soft. We both waited, I tried softening my gaze and also looking other places to leave her feeling the least pressure possible. Then I saw her ears begin to pull back and she bared her teeth in my direction clearing telling me: I said I AM NOT comfortable with whatever it is you’re doing.

    There was no misunderstanding in this. She was saying NO and she was getting louder.

    Because I have been offering real choice and freedom whenever I can, I set aside my goal of getting Wyoming to release her tension and/or trauma and I stepped back and gave her a friendly rub and told her: Ok, you don’t have to do this now, but I’m telling you, you can. It’s safe here. I am here to help you. When you’re ready.

    I left her stall and went into Khaleesi’s and noticed Wyoming had turned away from toward the wall and was snaking her head in interesting angles and yawning- working her jaw in all kinds of ways. She was releasing or processing something over there way outside the normal. I don’t know that she was releasing that tension I brought her attention to. I think it’s more likely that she was processing the unexpected response I gave her when she said No thank you to my healing plan. It might have been both. I know that I did the right thing for her in the moment- I honored her prerogative to choose not to let that tension go and find more healing. I did not force or even press the issue, especially not telling myself it was for her own good. I walked away.

    It seemed abundantly clear to me she did not feel safe to do that healing work with me in that moment.

    As I left that barn that morning it was like additional lights pinging to create dots in a constellation that finally began to take recognizable shape. Wyoming has been a mystery to me- and she still is. I am far from ready to share my brilliant understanding of the neuroscience of healing of trauma. However the fact that all the good horsemanship I’ve studied to help us become more successful has only worked between us for a time and then gone backward and unraveled every time has been confounding. 

    I’ve had some truly stunning moments of riding this powerful mare — stunning in her balance and grace under saddle, stunning in her athleticism to buck and dance in protest, and less stunning as I stood next to her on trail in confusion as she laid down and tried to roll in a pile of leaves (she got so good at this I’d barely have time to jump off before she was on the ground!). I have video of her running with me around an obstacle course at complete liberty and I’ve had her threaten me violence for asking for some simple circles and figure 8s. I’ve gotten her to ride on the trailer – twice in 6 years and also had her almost kill us both trying to do loading practice last year. I’ve looked at our experience together and wondered if I am simply a terrible horsewoman or if she might be demon possessed.

    At this point, I’ve accepted that Wyoming is atypical and is not here at the moment to be a trail riding companion, but is excellent at her job if she was sent to teach me patience, humility, a higher level of observation and response, and make me laugh – at myself and her. For all the danger we have gotten into over the years with her willingness to try and then zero to sixty in a millisecond emotional threshold responses, the thing that has kept me from turning her into dogfood (in a manner of speaking) is that she apparently likes me, and she is both the most difficult horse I’ve yet come across in my limited experience and also the most friendly with me and other humans. She is not actively plotting to kill me, but she comes to a place of survival where she cannot think rationally. On the flip side, she is everyone’s favorite in the herd and she’s never met a stranger.

    So this interaction of Masterson’s technique revealed to me something in her poll-neck area she was holding tension and refused to allow me to be a part of that release process gave me another clue: she does not feel safe to be that vulnerable with me- even today.

    I have had this horse for 6 years, and I have always done my best with what I have known at the time to create a safe place that took her needs into account. I have learned a whole lot in those 6 years to know that early on I missed a lot of things I understand differently today. So it wasn’t six years of heaven for her, however I have had Khaleesi for 8 years and was the same person Wyoming had to work with. Though it’s completely clear to me that doing my best until recently was actually falling short of the horsewoman I hope to be next year, Khaleesi has been able to shift with me and I’ve seen her bloom in the atmosphere I’ve learned to cultivate in the past year and season while Wyoming is still stuck.

    The question isn’t as much is Wyoming safe as it is does she FEEL safe. 

    I walked away with a new clarity that she likes me and she is willing to try, but what I saw the last time I tried to push my way through with the trailer loading debacle is that she will try and try and try and then comes a point where she is past her safe zone and then survival kicks in and as a wild horse it becomes life or death regardless of if she likes me or not- we both might get killed because she is not responding she is now reacting. The lizard brain of fight-flight-freeze has taken over and we are way past freeze.

    It was that day after the trailer incident that I made the decision not to listen to the people who told me I was just not getting it done with her and she needed to see it would be ok if I just put enough pressure on her and forced her to comply. From now on I knew with Wyoming, we were going to have to honor her emotional threshold and I was going to have to get a whole lot better at reading the very early signs, and this mare was going to have to go at the speed of what she felt she could do without fear. Which it turns out seems to be not all that much…

    The potential was high that this horse could have deeper emotional trauma layers both from my ignorance and from her previous experiences being wild (there are plenty of trauma opportunities in the wild), rounded up, penned up, and then transferred around for the mustang makeover program, which she failed out of due to an injury, resulting in her ending up with a TIP (trainer incentive program) to get her gentled and started in TN before I adopted her and relocated her to VA. You can imagine plenty of opportunties for trama in this mare’s life.

    If she has never felt safe to release the deeper things and allow her nervous system to rest and heal, it would make sense to me she would try to assimilate and get so far and then failure would set in when she couldn’t hold it together. It really was like watching her come apart on me. In fairness she would give me clues she was not doing ok, but they are subtle and as a human I would think they were small so we could handle that. Over time I’ve come to see it’s best not to blow by the small signs because trouble would be ahead when they got bigger in exponential fashion. The worry cup was filling up… and eventually it runneth over!

    And yet this horse still looks to me as her friend, she still comes to me for help if she’s in trouble, and she knows I am here to make things better. So the question I had to ask is:

    What can I do to help her feel safe enough to heal?

    And that maybe I can wrap up in a part 3…

    Read part 3 here…

  • Hopes & Dreams

    Hopes & Dreams

    May 1, 2022

    If I am being completely transparent, I do not have all the answers.

    In fact, as things tend to go, the longer I live the more I realize the less I know.

    In case I ever thought I had something going for me on my own, I was given a gift that would always serve as a reminder of the wonder and mystery of creation and our imagined control over it as humans.

    Her name is Wyoming.

    I wrote that description a little tongue in cheek but as I reflect on it, the weight of the truth of it sits too close to my heart to ignore. I have thought she is a gift to me many times, but I am coming to KNOW it. The kind of knowing that goes deeper than the mind and no matter the circumstances in the fullness of time, it can not be shaken.

    Wyoming is one of my greatest teachers. And today as I reflected on the outside help I have gotten, or hoped to get that would somehow be “the answer” I was looking for, the thing to make clear what has been unclear over time… the “shortcut” to the long term relationship… the thing that would flip the switch from sketchy to solid… the mindset, the technique, the piece I seem to be missing that would take this wild thing and allow her to be able to choose to trust me all the way. The detail I need to see that would allow her to put her life in my hands and work together without flee or fight constantly cycling through the process… come to work on the same page as mine.

    A year ago I came to accept that if she doesn’t make the decision herself, it will not come. She will not be forced like most horses eventually are. There is something deep in her spirit that will not let go of her perceived thread of freedom. She has a wildness in her heart that will not be tamed, but maybe someday will be rechanneled into something beautiful and not destructive.

    In fact. Maybe she’s a lot like me.

    From my journal, Sunday morning, May 1, 2022

    I lift up my eyes to the mountain- where does my help come from?My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

    Psalm 121:1-2

    I look to my surroundings and wonder… who will help me?

    I know that alone I am insufficient for the task at hand. I have a wild horse I cannot seem to get on the same page with. You see, everything has to be her own idea or she isn’t interested. It’s always about her own hopes and dreams. She refuses to accept that my plans truly are better.

    Take for instance yesterday when she had two ticks crawling around the tip of her nose. I asked her to hold still so I could remove them before they embedded somewhere, and everytime I got close to the tick, gently moving my hand with low energy and rubbing her head working down her nose so she would see I was trying to help her… at the last second she would jerk away and we would have to begin again. Eventually I gave up the losing endeavor but found an opportunity later where she was distracted enough that I was able to grab them without her being as aware. The back door approach since she is always suspicious of the front door.

    Grabbed the ticks while she was curious about what I was doing with Khaleesi in the barn.

    Also, her feet need more attention that I can do in the small amounts lately she has the patience for. She would be better off if she trusted me to do what I know to do to help her.

    She hates being left alone, and yet she refuses to carry a rider or ride on the trailer, and so she is always the one left behind.

    Her limited vision of what freedom looks like, the value of her independence, her own hopes and dreams, these are not only limiting but the have the potential to cause her physical and emotional pain. 

    We are currently guests on a beautiful farm, but someday we will have a home of our own, and if she still will not accept what looks like “death” (getting on the trailer… into the tomb) she won’t experience the real life of moving into her own home with her herd. She could potentially be left behind without her family. Yet her limited equine vision cannot imagine anything good coming out of giving up her freedom to go into the death box.

    Some suggest what would have been best would be left alone to a true wild horse life. If only she could be released back to the plains of Wyoming- or never removed. That would be ideal, so now she is stuck in this human realm of captivity. The romance of the wild horse running free. The pictures look amazing, and the video is stunning.

    In the “garden of Eden version” this would make sense. The perfect world that was intended in creation, but we don’t live in a perfect world, we live in a broken world where the harsh realities of nature are not the romance we want to see.

    The truth is these horses are fighting for resources, not only among the cattle ranches (and I’m sure no one who loves wild horses also likes to eat beef…) but even in ranges without fights for grazing rights, the resources of the west are at a premium. The people charged with monitoring and managing these resources see starvation in the harsh winters and dehydration in the dry summers. They see animals running other species off from treasured water sources, they see predators also trying to stay alive eating the weaker of family groups of all animals. There are man made highways at times with high speed trucks and traffic to contend with. And the deaths that come from eating inedible plants before starvation poisoning or painfully killing the horse with brambles and sharp dry plant matter in the intestines are deeply sad to imagine.

    My wild horse had a microscopic chance of living the romantic life of freedom running beautiful green plains of wild grasses in all seasons and plenty of water – especially since the wild horse numbers alone grow every year well past sustainability in every management area- forget about elk, eagles, rabbits, wolves, and cattle. 

    No. Her options are a shortened life in harsh conditions, living in heightened alert and fear and/or lack, but basically free OR a life in a containment facility, an orphan spirit in captivity with basic needs met as best they can with the problem they are facing to manage these herds. An impossible problem.

    She will never be in want for a herd, forage or fresh water with me.

    Yet, this wild mare was chosen. She is not an orphan anymore. She has been removed from the system where there were few good outcomes and put into my kingdom (I wrote about that Kindgom in March) where she is part of the royal herd of Khaleesi… She has been set apart from the thousands of others who will face a tough life. She is cared for, has a stable healthy herd, 100% pasture turn out on many acres, medical care when required, always adequate water and forage, and someone who sees her as immensely valued regardless of her performance.

    When will she stop fighting? When will she step more fully into her purpose and destiny? 

    The truth is- I’m not even certain yet what that looks like for her, but God knows. God created this mare for a purpose, and while today she is already walking in that purpose in part as my teacher, there is more. I am convinced of that. 

    I am also convinced that horses are special. Horses thrive when honored and given honest work. Work they are capable of and can excell at. Retirement comes at a point and can be good, but a horse who doesn’t and has never have some job and purpose does not thrive the same as one who is in appropriate work.

    One of my favorite moments together.

    I don’t yet know what her work will be as we learn together what her creator had in mind, but I do believe it will come. In the fullness of time, it will come.

    And as I reflected on this, I thought about how often we humans are set apart, and called into a purpose to work together on God’s hopes and dreams on planet earth. For some it may look like raising a family, for some providing medical care in Africa, for some writing books that entertain or help, for others it’s politics and bringing better policies to school boards and government bodies, maybe it’s playing music, or stewarding the wilderness, forests and waterways… but God does have hopes and dreams to bring redemption to this planet, the people and the systems he loves, and they are always bigger than our own.

    Have I stopped fighting or fleeing his ideas yet? Am I willing to step into the “death box” and see what kind of abundant life might be after the trailer ride? Do I trust him?

    In my journal I asked who will help me? And I have come to see that “alone” I don’t have what it takes, but the good news is I am not alone. I have partnered to share in God’s hopes and dreams, and I do trust him. So I can be assured that I have every resource I need exactly when I need it to accomplish exactly the purpose at hand. So I look around and ask “where does my help come from” well, it comes from the one who made me, and made these creatures, and has all the answers to every problem. So now I get to walk out the blueprint that was set in front of me at the foundations of time and enjoy the process and the relationships, with people, with the horses, and with the creator King as well.

    And as I finish this blog, I pause. I am again reminded of the grief of the wild horse impossible problem, I take a moment to ask: Is this one of God’s hopes? That his precious creatures the wild horses will someday not suffer this way? Who is willing to ask him for the impossible answers and walk out the path that might lead to abundant life for those thousands of horses suffering today?

  • The Wild One

    The Wild One

    Khaleesi was the first horse I started. She was what I’d consider basically feral. She was intentionally bred then born on a massive mountain property and handled minimally spending her first four year running with a large herd. I thought she would be the perfect project for me- a horse without a lot of human influence. After enjoying that process and the things I learned from it I was inspired by my past (living in the west) to the plight of the wild horses and was inspired to adopt a mustang. I wanted to do one small part to help the overwhelming issue of unwanted wild horses, and I knew a native equine would teach me even deeper layers of horsemanship. I had met a couple other mustangs in recent years that were fine horses with great connection to their humans and so I looked into finding one of my own.

    The night I met Wyoming after a long drive to TN

    Wyoming (then called Wild Heart) was in the TIP (Trainer Incentive Program) and so was supposed to have a solid start and good foundation and only needed some finishing miles. Somehow I had enough sense to realize it would not be best for me to start with an unhandled wild horse after only one experience in colt starting. Lets begin with one that has a good foundation-

    I think I can take that on. I thought.

    I had no idea what was to come.

    Over the few years I’ve had Wyoming I have seen “success” in moving forward and then always sideways and backward in progress. I won’t attempt in this post to cover all the layers of our time together and my journey as a horsewoman. There were significant holes in her foundation, I’m certain some trauma I will never know, and there were plenty of shortcomings in my own communication skills and observational accuracy.

    And so here we are beginning once again as I have a few times in the past. Another opportunity to learn from this mare, a horse of lifetime… I hope… because I can’t imagine having another one this challenging for me to uncover what she needs to become my partner.

    I think this is the third time I’ve taken time off to re-evaluate and begin again. The first pause was for over a year where I left her with the herd for the most part and didn’t ask much of her except good manners. She is a friendly mare and enjoys to be close (sometimes too close) and I had hands on her regularly but didn’t do anything that would require more than basic cooperation. This first break came on the heels of working with a friend who was interested in the mustang project as well. If the fit was right the mare could eventually become her horse, but for the start we’d share the responsibility and work together. I was committed to her for life regardless how things went.

    We brought her home and began some simple ground work sessions to get to know each other, introduced her to her herd, did some ponying on trail, and in a few weeks got her under saddle (she had been started and ridden by her TIP trainer) and began to move forward in a slow but steady way that normally would have built confidence and trust.

    Things progressed at first, then after a certain point she began to refuse to go out. We checked saddle fit, made sure we had a French link bit that wouldn’t be harsh, my friend was an experienced rider, we had her physically evaluated, we took her out with herd mates for confidence. Yet she would turn around on trail and get more and more forceful when we would press through… she began to rear up and crow hop and buck if we insisted. This wasn’t a ride through it and she’ll see it’s ok situation.

    Both of us worked on various levels in as many creative ways as we could come up with, we added hand walking, sometimes I’d pony her for a time from the lead mare, (please don’t give me suggestions, I promise we put a LOT of thought and asked for ideas from trusted sources, and in the end- it always got worse, not better). Finally one day I hopped on her when she began her refusal as my friend was not feeling so confident and I have less fear (maybe less sense). She turned rodeo horse on the trail without a lot of room to maneuver. I was able to ride her straight up the mountain (no trail) but back toward the barn making life much harder than if she were to just continue on the nice trail as we’d asked. I worked her through trees and around rocks in an attempt to connect her feet and her brain, and she didn’t put me off, but she never changed- she never softened or come to me. She put up with it and then eventually we went on home. She wasn’t the right horse for my friend that was for sure, so we dissolved that partnership – and yet I wasn’t sure what to do to help her. She was beginning to get more frustrated and occasionally going into fight mode as we worked with her. Things were going backward, so she went into the field until I could figure out what to do that would change things for the better, not continue to make them worse. In the meanwhile a reset seemed like the best starting point.

    It was in that time I renamed her. I told her one day in the field: you aren’t Wild Heart anymore – you belong here, you have a herd, a “family” and you don’t have to be wild anymore. You can trust this home for life. You are no longer fending for yourself, for resources, for a herd, for your life, for survival. You are “home” now. What do you want to be called? I was reminded where she came from… Wyoming. It had traces of heritage in it, but didn’t brand her with the “wild” streak which I’d like her to let go of in time. It seemed like a good name for her.

    Wyoming it is.

    We began again. I’d done some work with her, had a fabulous horsewoman come help me get her out of kindergarten in our ground work and begin to prepare to take a rider again. A crash course due to time limitations of restarting her, but at least helping me get more tools to help her in the process. I’d also been working on trailer loading (this has been a very long term process with mild success and failure). Christmas of 2019 I had a clear sense it was time to put on a saddle and try riding her again.

    I began with some ground basics. Got some conversation sorted out and then got on her. It was a beautiful Christmas gift.

    I only rode her for 20 minutes or so, in the front yard, but it was hopeful. She was willing to try, and no western show.

    I continued the slow gradual work and eventually had some help from Emily Kemp once again in a spring clinic. I inherited a really great western saddle that suited our purposes better, and we were progressing together — building small steps toward her becoming a solid riding horse.

    Eventually she was on the trail again, I was enjoying her though never truly confident she felt solid.

    Once again, very gradually, things began to go sideways. First she would try to roll (while I was riding her on trail) and then she would be reluctant to leave the property, if I worked her in the yard she would stick her feet and not want to move. Eventually she would refuse to leave altogether and began to go western in the yard. I have limits to my riding skills, but in the bucking and rearing I sat through as calm as possible (I did not think she was trying to kill me, she was trying to communicate) it never got better.

    During her trail riding season

    Riding it out or even making her work harder to show her just walking along is much less effort- it didn’t help. She only escalated each week. And I became aware that though with other horses you can push through the sticky points, build their confidence and move forward, with this horse once she got to the “I can’t” she would eventually stop thinking completely and do anything to get out of whatever situation she felt was overwhelming her in increasing drama and volume until the “pressure” was removed. It wasn’t a choice anymore. It was like blind instinct, or raw emotion.

    And yet. The horse seems to “like” me. She never seemed to want to hurt me (she absolutely could have), and she was always willing to try to work with me again. This mare was quite a puzzle, a lot of try in her and a desire to please, but a point gets crossed where she simple cannot do it anymore.

    Everything continued to go sideways or backward and I used every creative thought process I had to help encourage her, build confidence, go back to fundamentals, try to go forward into a new challenge that might inspire her, more groundwork, less groundwork, lots of encouragement, more demands (she is incredibly intelligent and physically athletic and balanced so maybe she needed to be challenged to use her gifts more?). Everything had limited success… everything went sideways or backward by the second or third time.

    Finally a barn move meant she had to be loaded up or left behind. I tried a larger stock trailer which was worse because of it’s unfamiliarity. In the end she loaded onto the small 2-horse we had worked on for at least a year or two. She’d had one semi-successful ride a few months back and then went backward not wanting to have to do that again… After an hour or so where she actually went under the chest bar and squeezed herself out through the front human door once (that was a terrifying moment for us all), I was able to hard wrap the lead rope to the chest bar and she stepped up to release herself and she was locked in for the short 7 minute drive up the road to her new home with the herd.

    After this I decided to try to continue the trailer work with her to solidify that experience and build on it. Wrapping the lead line to the chest bar had worked to create a scenario where she pulled against herself and could release by coming forward. Let’s try that again. As so often happens with her, you can get it done once, but she’s had a week now to consider how she might change the outcome… and she did. She put all that mustang strength into pulling and as I stood there waiting for her to come forward and be able to release her – instead she bent the metal, broke out the chest bar which gave her another 3 feet of treeline which then put her outside the trailer (NOT GOOD) and rearing up. She tried to go sideways and hung herself over the upper door hinges and now was strung like a fish and the rope around the chest bar pulled tight enough to not want to come loose either.

    My beloved sidekick Iva was watching from outside and had also been first witness to the mustang coming through the front door like toothpaste out of the tube a couple weeks before… stood calmly and said to me:

    Jaime, this is not good.

    Indeed.

    I was able to loose the rope and free the mare. I had rope burns and she was basically unharmed, shockingly no one was seriously injured- except my trailer which did go in for some repairs after this session.

    We returned to the field. I tied her to a tree while I reflected for a bit, and she stood quietly. I eventually set her loose and took a few months off to think.

    What am I missing with her? Every success so far in working with her like I would any other horse has always gone backward over time. There were periods where much was going so well with us. She’s a fine mare… big personality, athletic, balanced, smart, responsive. When things are good they are really good…

    One of my favorite riding sessions with Wyoming

    Was her purpose in life to humble me and remind me how limited I am? Show me that in fact I have much less control than I ever thought over things? Maybe every puzzle does not have a solution? What is her purpose in my life?

    I quietly reminded myself that I wanted a mustang to learn how to be a better horsewoman, and so regardless if she turned into a working riding horse or not, she is amazing at teaching me. The day I freed her from the trailer fiasco I was calm on the outside, knew to control my breathing and reaction, but deep down incredibly frustrated. In that moment I considered the term “breaking” a horse that many of us horsefolk have moved away from. And I asked myself, could I “break” this horse? and if I even thought I could… did I want to? Did I want her spirit broken if it meant I could control her? In this moment… frustrated as I was… was the closest I have ever come to wanting to break a horse’s will. And in the depth of my heart I knew… if I could do it… I would not.

    I knew that day that I wanted Wyoming to be her vibrant, wild, beautiful self and I wanted to have a relationship with her, but regardless if I ever got her on a trailer or under saddle, I did not want to break her. Because that would break something in me in the process. Something neither one of us would be able to ever recover.

    And after a couple months of down time to reset, I returned again this fall to the work… of learning how to work with this wild heart in a way that we could both live with.

  • Gates

    Gates

    Wyoming is in boarding school this month… For various reasons she is in a field by herself temporarily (about a month) and though at first it was a necessary transition, I quickly came to see it as an opportunity to spend some focused time with her while she wasn’t “on the job” with a herd. For the month of October her only friend (though she could see other horses not far across a driveway) was… me.

    I “gave up” on Wyoming in the late spring when a follow up trailer loading event went sideways and ended us both almost really injured. I had severe rope burns on my hands to remind me of the epic failure to communicate and she was temporarily hung up on a door hinge– which could not have felt good — though the wild one didn’t seem the worse for wear. One good thing about a mustang- I don’t think you can actually kill them.

    The very bad day of trailer loading practice.

    I gave the work with her a rest and began looking for ways to dig myself out of the doghouse of stupid, deaf (to horse language), untrustworthy human and spent some time dabbling in positive reinforcement. I think this was a really helpful step in our relationship. In positive reinforcement (R+) a major pillar is choice, and I began to give her total choice to work with me or walk away. I used hay pellets as a reward and she’s on massive pasture so she wasn’t starving for dried up grass. She was suspicious at first but Khaleesi helped me out by loving the classroom so much Wyoming couldn’t help but want to get involved.

    I used R+ to reintroduce the halter in the field and a new fly mask and we had a lot of fun with touching various objects and learning to learn with hay pellets this summer. I also began to get more serious about the idea of “thin slicing” my way to a desired behavior. As a goal minded person I naturally break down things into steps, however I tend to start small and then as things begin to work, I make impatient leaps. I began to see that horses- this wild red head in particular- needed a lot more small steps all the way through the process than I was willing to give her. This took A TON of time I didn’t want to admit could possibly be necessary.

    New fly mask

    One day I wanted to trim Wyoming’s feet and thought inside the barn would be easier. It’s a large roomy barn with huge doors and she had been in and out of the old barn more times than I could count, yet she would NOT enter this barn. It was this moment I began to see more clearly from her perspective. Khaleesi or Hope would enter about any barn I asked them to, depending on the space they may pause or need a smell or a look, but Wyoming was very suspicious of this space even though she had walked by the doorway to be fed for months. I found this interesting. The fact that she might be wary is understandable, but she was 100% not entering this space.

    Let me make clear a vitally important assumption: She was not “being an idiot” and she was not “acting stupid” or “refusing” for the sake of being difficult, she was not “being mare-ish”. If I believed any of these things things forward progress would be practically impossible. I know this horse is none of those things, there was a reason she would not enter that barn, and instead of slamming her through that “gate”, wisdom necessitated that I find out either why, or how to change her mind.

    In truth she didn’t have to come in, I have worked on her feet in the yard already. The barn was only marginally easier for me. This meant I had no goal that was more important than the curiosity of why this particular horse would be unable to walk inside a barn. Forgetting about her feet I began to experiment with inviting her closer, then inside and observe as she would try, focus her attention past the doorway and disappear into a deep processing time for minutes on end. I could tell she wanted to do it, she was willing, but there was something that had her convinced it was possibly a death trap or maybe a time machine in the least. I kept this simple, I asked her to stay focused on the barn entrance and only added minimal pressure if she turned her focus elsewhere, and I found over time she began trying to cross the threshold on her own.

    I think about 20 minutes went by with what seemed like zero progress but I observed a lot of deep inner processing often with her head down nose brushing the threshold, and just stood there with her curious. After probably 30 minutes she was taking a step or two in and then backing out and trying again. I think it could have been 45 minutes before she willingly walked into the barn, looked around, turned around fully to investigate and began to get comfortable.

    What fascinated me is I didn’t have to pressure her to walk in. She knew it was what I wanted even as I stood quietly occasionally gently lifting my lead rope arm. When she was ready she began doing it herself- taking steps in and then steps back out then immediately trying again until she could manage to get all four feet into the building. It was completely calm and even fun. She wasn’t panicked or stressed. I saw that if I simply gave her the time she needed to process (it seemed like eternity in comparison to other horses) she would figure it out and she would comply.

    Even more intriguing was the next day this same entrance took almost the same amount of lead time. Where I’d have thought she might pick up closer to where we left off, she spend about 20 minutes again processing the open barn door. Day 2 I might have taken 10 minutes total off the process. Day 3 still better but not by nearly as much as I would have expected. Each day was progress, but surprisingly for me how many steps back we would have to restart.

    It became perfectly clear this is how I was going to work the trailer. Only at that rate it could end up being 2 more years! The good news was I’d already given up, so two years from now is still an amazing improvement on never!

    Not long after I was able to invite her into the barn without trauma and confusion I decided to begin with the trailer. This isn’t a cavernous new barn, it was the baggage box! We have not racked up good associations with the trailer so I felt it was likely we’d be behind the zero.

    The first day over the summer of remedial trailer loading, it took an entire 90 minutes of her processing, standing outside, occasionally trying to evade to even begin to come up the ramp. After 90 minutes If I remember correctly, she came up the ramp and agreed to put her head in the trailer. In case you’ve never watched paint dry, I’m about done after 5 minutes. An hour and a half is eternity. And then I think she put on a foot or two so not even all the way on the trailer, but I was determined to see where this rabbit trail would go. Two things I observed:

    1. This was very non-stressful, she wasn’t upset at all.
    2. She was completely engaged the entire 90 minutes even if she was standing with everything still and processing for many minutes at a time, she didn’t not try to eat grass or ignore the work. She was invested.

    Over the couple of months I’ve come to appreciate the value of understanding threshold in a much more subtle way. I think everyone can appreciate the concept, and everyone who has worked with a horse probably would say of course they understand threshold, yet my guess from knowing a variety of horse folks that it probably has a different meaning to each person. I know a few people who can see the threshold from well in advance of it in very subtle signals like a tightening of the skin or a change in the jaw (and they respond accordingly- you actually get negative points for knowing subtle threshold signs and blowing by them!), and I know some people who are aware of the threshold because they are now on the ground and the horse is up a tree or gave them a kick out before running off. For some people it takes injury to the person or the horse to realize that’s where the threshold, well, where it “was” because at that point you’ve blown past it, in fact probably blown past a few of them.

    Yep, I know that person. I am her sometimes.

    Most people are probably a little like me, most of the time somewhere in the in-between. I think it’s more valuable than we give credit to- recognizing thresholds sooner and finding ways to help the horse through the gate instead of blowing through them with force until someone, or the horse, is hurt.

    Sometimes it takes this for me to stop and reconsider

    With Wyoming, and I think this isn’t completely unusual for horses, you can bust through some of the early gates with a moderate amount of force because the creatures at heart are so generous and willing. My lessons with this mare is that I’d think we were doing pretty well and finding success together and then over time it would start to go backward. I’ve begun to suspect that I missed the early “gates” and she wanted to work with me so she would try, but something wasn’t addressed properly and we would eventually come to a gate that she just couldn’t keep going with me through and then we’d come apart.

    Also I think there was a certain amount of pressure I let get to me that this mare had some kind of reasonable time line and I was so far outside of what was reasonable that I must be completely ineffective… if I would just stop playing around and push through, get it done, we’d “move forward” and I wondered if maybe that was right? Could I be wrong? Certainly. I tried it with riding her and pushed through some pretty intense rodeo action, and I tried it with the trailer which could have had us both really hurt but for the grace of God who seems to want me to learn these lessons alive to encourage someone else to maybe try a different way.

    What if we really did begin to love the process? What if we began to slow down and ask the horse: are you ok with this? and then care about the response especially if it’s “no, not really” and then what if we began to offer support and help even if it meant the only answer that would really solve the problem would be the gift of time? The most valuable thing we have… so valuable we rush through and force our horses often to get onto our timeline so we can do the things we want to do with the horses. What if we entered their world more often and really listened when they needed time to process, time to heal coming back from an injury more slowly or gradually, time to trust us, time to believe that we are actually asking, time to even answer us?

    What if we didn’t blow through the gates by force as long as we could get away with it?

    So many people I know say they enjoy the time with their horse, but when I look closer at my own behavior and I suspect I’m not alone… that really means I enjoy the time the horse does what I want her to (perform, trail ride, even get on the trailer). What my month of solo time with Wyoming brought more to the surface was that I wanted to enjoy the time I stood with her while the paint dried. I wanted to give her the gift of standing by her side when she stood on the trailer ramp for the 25th day and put her head down to process the idea of going into the box. To encourage her when she began to look around, but to allow her to decide when she’d go in, and to trust that she was giving me her best.

    Wyoming does go on the trailer now and it doesn’t take an hour, sometimes 5-10 minutes lately before she’ll put all 4 feet on. She only stands quiet for a limited time depending on how deep in she goes, and I don’t close her in yet. It’s clear to me she is not ready to be locked in. But she is very calm about the whole thing and enters and exits without stress and anxiety. She is begging to trust me again.

    I don’t know what the next steps will look like, I’m finding them as we go. But for this mare, I’m going to trust that the process will continue and someday she will ride on the trailer without the stress and fear that had her lathered in sweat that last time I got her on over a year ago. That process was a little faster but it was not nearly as honoring to her own unique thresholds and took advantage of her generosity and her try. I got it done but it only ended us up eventually backward and almost hurt.

    I hope I’m taking this lesson and applying it to my slightly easier creatures. I’ve been working on asking Khaleesi for permission for a while now and not forcing things on her even though I can. I try to balance that out with the reality that she’s a working animal that sometimes has a job to do, but I don’t use that card any more often than I have to, and if I find myself getting there too often I have to step back and ask why?

    Hope is more tricky because she’s been forced into so much over her life she doesn’t always engage in bothering to answer. She’s been trained to comply and go inside herself and shut down for survival. She has a lot of brace mentally and physically we are trying to release and free up for her. She’s starting to come out more and more and that’s a fun process to see. I love that the very easy and kind kids’ lessons are part of that story!

    It seems to me this is something that can continue to improve regardless of what level and where we are with our horses. I sense I’m getting a better feel, but I have far to go. And for anyone with multiple horses I think they have unique tells of when they are coming to a gate that isn’t free. It’s nice to have a horse that is super vocal about it, but most people don’t really want that horse! Often the cues are much more subtle.

    The next challenge becomes what to do. Horses and human both share a benefit from growth, we do want to go through the gates! However we have to find a way to support them in the growth. I think sometimes even acknowledging and letting them know you’re with them is a great start. There is no one answer that fits all, but isn’t that exactly the process we can enjoy? Getting to know this unique creature along a lifetime of communicating and experimenting and listening along with guiding or asking them to come along with us?

    Is there anything better than that?